More Ups and Downs

After weeks of relative calm, Alex's illness remind us that it's still there. One call at work telling me that she wanted to move to her friend's apartment took me by surprise, I said let me call you back and we'll talk about it. Later in the day I got 4 or 5 text messages from Jeff saying that housing was kicking her out of the University apartments, they were at the door knocking while she was inside crying and hysterical in the phone with him, he talked to the housing people and explained that he suffers from a mental disorder, it seems that she forgot to apply for summer school. They let her stay and signed the contract. The next day she received a note from the University, there is a chance that she will be suspended, according to her version  it was "just because I took care of my friend's cats for 3 days". I explained to my 21 year old daughter about rules and how they work... again like when she was 4,  "it's not a big deal, I've seen people doing worse stuff and they don't get suspended"... "Alex, it's the principle" I said since I  knew she got in trouble before for having a rat in her room. She thinks that if she gets suspended from school her world will end and nothing else will matter. I can feel her pain because I know how much she wants to graduate, also I know how much she loves animals and how lonely she must feel being alone in that apartment and actually, the whole building. College campus are  ghost towns during the summer. I said that I could go get her this weekend and come home, she told me that she wants to stay and get a job and she actually had a job interview yesterday, she feels that it went really well.

I pray that everything will be fine and that she will have the strength to deal with whatever happens next week when she will find out about the possible suspension and the job. As per myself I plan to ride my bike the whole weekend, including memorial day with Banana. Maggie 2.0 (my bike) will be now 3.0 since she got a new set of Shimano 105 components. I picked her up yesterday from the shop and tonight I'm taking her for a ride, I know this will make things more bearable for me.

Today I was looking back at my pain

This morning I was checking some stuff that I've written last October when I was still trying to make sense of things; this one reminded me how sometimes we are into our own pain and it is just too hard to see ahead of us. The 2 person who asked me for help were my two daughters and I just froze, I was actually not able to help but I forgave myself and moved on. The picture I posted is a walk with a close friend after a bike ride we did together after I visited Alex in the psych hospital when she was committed for the first time, I was heart broken. This is what I wrote:
 

Last night a got a second request to help... usually I'm pretty good at helping or giving advice, usually I know what to say and I'd like to think that I can make things better or have some sense; not any more. I was asked to help another mother, and the person who asked said: "just tell her what you did to help the situation, to deal with it or to see the signs, tell her what you did", the second person asked: "do you remember how we got over the anger and fear? what did we do?, I just need to know what to tell my friend so she can get over this". The truth is... I don't remember. What I remember is the sharp pain that still lingers under my skin, I remember the fear like what I imagine being inside a tank of starving sharks and just waiting for my body to be tear apart... that's what I remember. I remember that the body goes on a numb mode but within inside you find the strength to keep moving because you have many reasons to do so and mostly because you are not a quitter;  you reach out, educate yourself and somehow you overcome the fear and learn to let go of the control and face the battle with tears in your face, the pain and fear still lingering inside but you are more aware, you understand little by little what you are against to. After that you make peace with the situation and learn to live one day at the time. I don't know if I can help, maybe I'm the one who needs the help... what I found out is that sometimes the best thing to do is just to be quiet, sit down and watch ... praying...and sometimes you got to pull yourself together and reach out so you don't let go ...at least not without fighting back... also praying.