Staying positive

For some reason things seem to be changing for good. Since Alex's diagnose, I have a different way to see her illness, I can feel hope inside me growing; she is staying busy working, taking care of her bills and working things out with the school, I think she is finally out of  probation and she will be able to enroll for the next semester. Mom had a surgery, it was very scary because she "didn't want to wake up", I told her that I didn't know how much I love her and how scared I was to loose her like my dad. She is out of the hospital now and going back to normal. I've been feeling very grateful as well, I was reminded in many ways and by different people of good things that I've said or did... it makes me happy to know that I can touch somebody. Today at work I received a random hug :) I like to think that I'm likeable, somehow I feel lovable today. Banana (my young daughter) tells me that I'm fantastic and that I'm stronger that I think I am, she is so sweet. Last night I had a dream that my dad was visiting, he really wanted to tell me or show me something important but the dogs woke me up; I rushed to try to go back to sleep but I had a hard time. When I finally went to sleep, the second part of the dream was very sad, I remember a lot of rain and I wasn't able to find dad in there, it felt that he just had died. In the morning I felt frustrated because I couldn't finish talking to my dad in my dreams. I miss him very much. The weekend was EPIC, I was able to be a ride leader for the first time with my friend B, who is going thru some hard stuff at this time. She is a great lady but I think she doesn't know how wonderful she is. I can sense regret, a bit of sadness and fear. We talked for a while after the ride, I think she will find her strength deep inside and she'll keep moving forward, she is a trooper, a warrior and that's why I've always liked her.

Finally a diagnose

Yesterday was a milestone. If I'd heard that my daughter was bipolar 2 years ago I'd be devastated, but listening to this yesterday was great news after wondering for over a year what's wrong with her and receiving so much information and opinions from different doctors, therapists and counselors and also taking all kind of meds for all kind of mental disorders... they call them "cocktails", they are only different combinations of medications until supposedly they find the right one.

She finally took a formal test (this after missing the test date a couple of times) that could properly diagnose her. Her text message says that she has generalize anxiety and PTSD, no ADHD or BPD but she has a permanent disability, she said that she is actually bipolar. In my personal opinion, this disorder is manageable and she has a big chance to live a long beautiful life (that was my response to her in my text message when I replied) I was filled with joy that I was able to finally put a name to her issues. I was relieved! One of the doctors diagnosed her BPD, I know that the BPD's have a high suicide rate and I was horrified all the time to think that I could loose her because of this, there is no medication, Alex even mentioned one time that this was the worst of all the mental disorders. Now I know that she can control her illness with medication. I was crying of happiness and I thanked God for this. After that I went to my bike ride with Banana and even I had 2 flats... I can tell you that yesterday was a great day!

A little bit of though love

I've always said that my daughters are my weakness. I love them so much and since they were born I promised to myself that I will protect, love and take care of them for always. These last weeks have been awful, I still think I'm doing better than before in the way that I'm handling the situation. Alex was finally suspended again from college, just for the summer (I think). She called me crying, she said that she couldn't handled it then she said that she didn't care any more; she sent me a text one day me around 3 am asking me to find a permanent hospital because she was done with the outside world. Everything I said is "we love you and come home" but she doesn't want to come home, she wants to stay over there and that I cover her expenses. The hard part is not sending the money after she begs calling me mommy or telling me that she is done... the truth is that I can't afford it, it's not that I don't want to but I know in my heart that the most important reason of why I should stop saving her is because I need to stop enabling her. I told her that she needed to get a job if she wanted to stay there... so she did. She works in sales for a big electronic retail store, I know she is very good at that. It makes me very happy for her and I hope this will give her the sense of purpose that she needs. The drama took maybe a little over a week but I put my foot down and said no, I'm sorry I can't and at the end she did what she needed to do to take care of herself. This is a good lesson to me to learn that I can't fix or control everything.

My mom came to visit us and stayed a couple of weeks. I had a chance to make amendments and let go of some stuff that were holding me back. We celebrated Jeff in father's day, he is not my daughter's dad but he has been so good to them and the kids (our 3 dogs) that it feels just right, even Alex sent him a text. We had our little luau party in the backyard :)

Today I went to the Al-anon meeting, the topic was about living the life that we choose to live and be happy no matter what the situation we are in. I liked that... I can't change how others behave but I can change myself. I can be more forgiving, tolerant and accept others the way that they are. I can't change my Alex but even thou I'm going to be there for her I can choose to live happy just for me one day at the time.

More Ups and Downs

After weeks of relative calm, Alex's illness remind us that it's still there. One call at work telling me that she wanted to move to her friend's apartment took me by surprise, I said let me call you back and we'll talk about it. Later in the day I got 4 or 5 text messages from Jeff saying that housing was kicking her out of the University apartments, they were at the door knocking while she was inside crying and hysterical in the phone with him, he talked to the housing people and explained that he suffers from a mental disorder, it seems that she forgot to apply for summer school. They let her stay and signed the contract. The next day she received a note from the University, there is a chance that she will be suspended, according to her version  it was "just because I took care of my friend's cats for 3 days". I explained to my 21 year old daughter about rules and how they work... again like when she was 4,  "it's not a big deal, I've seen people doing worse stuff and they don't get suspended"... "Alex, it's the principle" I said since I  knew she got in trouble before for having a rat in her room. She thinks that if she gets suspended from school her world will end and nothing else will matter. I can feel her pain because I know how much she wants to graduate, also I know how much she loves animals and how lonely she must feel being alone in that apartment and actually, the whole building. College campus are  ghost towns during the summer. I said that I could go get her this weekend and come home, she told me that she wants to stay and get a job and she actually had a job interview yesterday, she feels that it went really well.

I pray that everything will be fine and that she will have the strength to deal with whatever happens next week when she will find out about the possible suspension and the job. As per myself I plan to ride my bike the whole weekend, including memorial day with Banana. Maggie 2.0 (my bike) will be now 3.0 since she got a new set of Shimano 105 components. I picked her up yesterday from the shop and tonight I'm taking her for a ride, I know this will make things more bearable for me.

When it comes down to money

I've never been very ambitious, I like to keep things simple... just the way I was raised. I take joy with the little things. I graduated as an engineer and I've been told that I am an overachiever but the reality is that my daughters, my family, friends and everybody I love in general motivate me. I don't believe in easy money and whatever I've accomplished so far I've worked hard to obtain it. This week was different, I thought that I needed to win the lotto and I even thought of how much I needed :) Rocky's health is down again, it might be his spine, my mom has an hernia, Alex is staying in College during the summer and needs some cash, Maggie 2.0 (my bike) needs a mayor repair. I want to give Jeff (my honey) his beautiful backyard since he spends so much time there and Harley (my big dog) almost destroyed the door and needs to be repaired. I'd like to have the money to do all of the above. I even think that the reason I can't get over my dad's death and keep dreaming that he is cold, hungry, confused or wet is because I thought some day I will get him a house just for them, nothing fancy just something comfortable and at the end I was unable to even provide him with proper healthcare... his death was a mistake that it shouldn't happened. I feel that I failed but I am working to recover. On a brighter note, I got a great deal on a "new used bike". I usually ride 3 to 4 times a week so it will be good to have her in case my current bike is at the shop and that only means that I can keep peddling and stay sane. Cheers.

Lots of good days

It was an epic ride on Saturday, an epic week... actually things are going great; reminds me of my past life when Alex was "OK" or pretending to be. Both the girls seem to be doing good. The Saturday ride was a hot, windy and very hilly route, I did it last year and I remember being tired and happy but after I passed the finish line I had a missed call from Alex. I called her back and she had received a letter from her dad saying that he needed space. Alex was supposed to get out of the hospital that weekend and everything went down the drain. She had a terrible relapse, I remember hearing the pain in her voice. She stayed another 2 weeks after that. My memory of this ride is sad, every time I look at the pictures I remember perfectly my heart in pain. Instead of staying with my friends I went home and cried. Desperation would be a good word to use to describe how I felt that day. The hospital is in another city and I was new at my job, I couldn't see her, just talk to her every hour or so until she was better. This year was different, Alex went to her ring dance, I asked her to be careful. She sounds happy and calm today so I am happy for her. Banana keeps studying hard, I think she is in love but doesn't know it, she is too scared; I hope she'll figure out. A couple of weeks ago I enrolled on a course online that keeps my mind busy, it is hard thou. Having to work from 8 to 5, coming home to study or go for a swim or a bike ride... but I feel great :) just like the old times. I was getting to concerned about my weight but I realized that my metabolism is not the same, the older I get the harder it gets to stay in shape. I am very grateful that I'm active and that I can swim 1500 mt or ride 60 miles... I am blessed and I thank God for every single good day and the not so good as well.

Cheers to the good days (Ring day)

It's been a long road since everything started to happen, most of the time tiring and frustrating but we've had some really good days like this weekend. Alex got her graduation ring, she beat the odds of coming back to college last summer. She actually got back, it's been almost a year and she qualified to get the ring because she is a senior now. It was a fantastic experience being with her and seeing her face glowing with happiness, I chocked on my own tears for a minute but I recovered promptly. I admire the strength that she had to go back to school last summer after everybody knew that she'd been on a mental hospital for almost two months, her friends knew of her attempts of suicide and that she was taking a lot of medications. I was scared to death that she had to confront the name calling and the awful jokes about what had happened... But she overcame all that and now she has her very own shinny graduation ring and a big smile on her face, I couldn't be more proud of her. I didn't get to ride my bike on Saturday but it was all worth it, I had a great time even with the down, yup, it wasn't all perfect... you can't expect that when you deal with brain disorders but I don't want to go into details, not today, not this weekend, not this time; it was of weekend of celebration for us as a family. I got to ride today and it was awesome. Perfect weather and I felt good, it was the happiness inside of me indeed.