All about perception.

It's been a while since the last time I wrote. Things are moving fast but everything has been good so far.... Xmas came and left  and somehow the bad stuff seem so far away that it is hard to think that happened at all. Alex keeps working full time and has taken a break from school (another one), she has problems with her finances but seems to be doing better. She has been dating Corey for a year now, I think this is the longest relationship that she's had, I still feel that he is too young for her but only time will tell. She had a rough past week, unfortunately she ran out of medications and had a manic episode. I feel the chills running down my back when that happens. I try to help her focus and stay calm and the again the questions pops out... what is she going to do when I'm not longer here? I hope I can help her prepare for that moment.

I still miss my dad and some days I miss him even more. My faith is tested and I wonder  if I'm ever going to see him again. I want to talk to him, I want him to tell me what he thinks and feels. A few days ago I was thinking that I was glad he didn't have to witness my sister's separation of her husband because I feel that she is acting erratic but who am I to judge? As I told my mom, I'm going to focus in what I can control, in whatever it's in my hands or I'm going to go crazy.

Banana keeps doing an excellent job at school, she is getting ready to come in a couple of weeks for spring break. Jeff is excited about going to bring her home. He enjoys those road trips and banana likes hanging up with him.

Jeff and I went to New Orleans for vacation last month, I wish I could say I enjoyed it but there is a sadness lingering in that place. It smells like mental illness and substance abuse, I felt a little lost but I still got a couple of good pics of the Mississippi River.

Today I woke up sick but I still went to do my bike ride. I was feeling sorry for myself because of this dang cold I got, I dared to think that I was being brave for riding in this condition and also because of the awful cold weather, silly me. My friend Kathy was there as always with her big smile, ready to ride... I think she is around 70 years old and she is battling leukemia.... How's that for brave? Once again, it's all about perception and how you react to things.

Life skills

Life is moving very fast... maybe too fast. It seems it was yesterday when we took Banana to college and she received her graduation ring last weekend. I tried my best to keep my face straight but everything went down the drain when I saw her radiant smile. I felt very proud and just like that on a flash all the things that we went thru flooded my mind. I saw her as the strong hard working young lady that she is. The time stopped for a minute and the people that was surrounding us were curious and were staring at us and wondering what the deal was. Banana was crying too. I was able to hear a couple of "awww's" but I was more concerned about how ridiculous I look with the tears running down my face. They didn't know and they will never know what we had to endure to get to this point. The same day Alex turned 22, it was a double celebration. She seems to be sober, still working and going to school full time. She is paying for her bills and she makes sense now. She is being responsible, I'm extremely happy and proud of her.


We believe  that she gets it now. Last month she sent me a text about an assignment that she had to do. She had to have $10 dollars to invest and make revenue with them. She decided to buy balloons and a pump to make figures and sell them, by the time she texted me, she had made $25 dollars and thanked me for teaching her those life skills, she was proud of how fast she multiplied her investment. I was surprised that she could even remember how to do them. She learned that from when I was recently divorced (she was still in elementary school) and I was trying my best to keep them busy and were attending church a couple of days a week as well as getting involved as volunteers in all kind of activities. One night during the Christmas holidays I offered to dress up like a clown and make balloons for disadvantaged kids, that same night we also took presents and food to them. Alex wanted to do it with me and she did. After that night, a lot more requests came in, even for birthday parties; a few months later Banana joined us. I think that the most important lesson was for them to realized that helping others is a wonderful thing and that there are a lot of people out there who also just like us, were struggling and going thru a hard times. I did the best with what we had back then and I remember those days with love and nostalgia.

When getting into College was the big deal.

The last weeks and months have been fantastic. I thank God for everything that I have and for allowing me to see life with new eyes. Since my Lola passed away on February 2011, things started to go just wrong and I got used to that feeling, not any more... I am happy and grateful. I am awake. Banana left and again I need to get used to be on my own most of the time. I miss her tremendously.

Alex is still working, going to College and seeing her therapist often. I hope she starts to see a doctor for her brain disorder soon, I have asked her too many times now and I now how fragile these things can be.

I still miss my dad... lots and lots. I try to find him on the beauty around me, in the strength inside me. I struggle fighting my demons of guilt and regret, so many things I wanted to say and do with him and for him.

Alex has to create a portfolio as a school project, it seems to me she is pretty close to get her degree and that is amazing considering everything what she has gone thru and her disorder. She asked me if I could find and send her all her awards, test, published poems and essays that I have. That was a little hard trip to the past, it was like seeing how she or we used to be and the way that things were back then. She graduated number 6 from High School where she skipped one year and was already advanced with some college classes, she got a full scholarship to go to college and I used to think I had it made... ah little I knew :)

Below is the essay she wrote to get into college, I clearly remember how humbling this was to me and the happy tears in my face. I was proud of her back then and I am so proud of her now. The picture I have in today's post is what I see while others just see a troubled young lady.

Topic A: My Warrior, My Mother, My Hero

            There are times in which I love her, and times in which I hate her. Some days I call her “Dragon lady”, and others I call her “Mom”. My mother is loving, caring, tough, and strong. She stands up for what is right, and refuses to be silenced. My mother is a warrior, and I am her student.

            When my parents divorced, my mom was left with nothing but the children and the dogs. Although she was distraught, and disheartened, she always put on a smile for my sister and me, and assured us that we were just going through a storm and that everything would be alright.

           

Between balancing bills, and living her everyday life, my mother began to work overtime; consequently, rumor began to circulate about her not being able to care for my sister and me. In spite of people expecting her to go insane, my mom continued to push forward.

           

My mother is a warrior. She has taught me to stand on my own, and to work hard. It has not always been the easiest of lessons, but she has also taught me perseverance.

           

            My mom is also compassionate. Even after my dad filed for the divorce, she kept his well being in mind.  She sent my dad a box filled with home appliances, clothes, blankets, and food, and did not even receive a “thank you” in return. Yet my mom’s spirit remained intact. My mommy has taught me the art of forgiveness. She has taught me not to hold grudges against anyone, and that people are only human, and deserve to be given second chances.

            My mother is my hero. She is what pieced this family back together, and what keeps it together. My mom’s strength has encouraged me to always keep moving forward, and when I feel like I cannot anymore, to push a little more. My mom has inspired me to be the first in my family to graduate from college in the United States of America, and not to yield to people’s expectations, but to exceed them. 

Alex

12/05/2007

Staying positive

For some reason things seem to be changing for good. Since Alex's diagnose, I have a different way to see her illness, I can feel hope inside me growing; she is staying busy working, taking care of her bills and working things out with the school, I think she is finally out of  probation and she will be able to enroll for the next semester. Mom had a surgery, it was very scary because she "didn't want to wake up", I told her that I didn't know how much I love her and how scared I was to loose her like my dad. She is out of the hospital now and going back to normal. I've been feeling very grateful as well, I was reminded in many ways and by different people of good things that I've said or did... it makes me happy to know that I can touch somebody. Today at work I received a random hug :) I like to think that I'm likeable, somehow I feel lovable today. Banana (my young daughter) tells me that I'm fantastic and that I'm stronger that I think I am, she is so sweet. Last night I had a dream that my dad was visiting, he really wanted to tell me or show me something important but the dogs woke me up; I rushed to try to go back to sleep but I had a hard time. When I finally went to sleep, the second part of the dream was very sad, I remember a lot of rain and I wasn't able to find dad in there, it felt that he just had died. In the morning I felt frustrated because I couldn't finish talking to my dad in my dreams. I miss him very much. The weekend was EPIC, I was able to be a ride leader for the first time with my friend B, who is going thru some hard stuff at this time. She is a great lady but I think she doesn't know how wonderful she is. I can sense regret, a bit of sadness and fear. We talked for a while after the ride, I think she will find her strength deep inside and she'll keep moving forward, she is a trooper, a warrior and that's why I've always liked her.

Finally a diagnose

Yesterday was a milestone. If I'd heard that my daughter was bipolar 2 years ago I'd be devastated, but listening to this yesterday was great news after wondering for over a year what's wrong with her and receiving so much information and opinions from different doctors, therapists and counselors and also taking all kind of meds for all kind of mental disorders... they call them "cocktails", they are only different combinations of medications until supposedly they find the right one.

She finally took a formal test (this after missing the test date a couple of times) that could properly diagnose her. Her text message says that she has generalize anxiety and PTSD, no ADHD or BPD but she has a permanent disability, she said that she is actually bipolar. In my personal opinion, this disorder is manageable and she has a big chance to live a long beautiful life (that was my response to her in my text message when I replied) I was filled with joy that I was able to finally put a name to her issues. I was relieved! One of the doctors diagnosed her BPD, I know that the BPD's have a high suicide rate and I was horrified all the time to think that I could loose her because of this, there is no medication, Alex even mentioned one time that this was the worst of all the mental disorders. Now I know that she can control her illness with medication. I was crying of happiness and I thanked God for this. After that I went to my bike ride with Banana and even I had 2 flats... I can tell you that yesterday was a great day!

A little bit of though love

I've always said that my daughters are my weakness. I love them so much and since they were born I promised to myself that I will protect, love and take care of them for always. These last weeks have been awful, I still think I'm doing better than before in the way that I'm handling the situation. Alex was finally suspended again from college, just for the summer (I think). She called me crying, she said that she couldn't handled it then she said that she didn't care any more; she sent me a text one day me around 3 am asking me to find a permanent hospital because she was done with the outside world. Everything I said is "we love you and come home" but she doesn't want to come home, she wants to stay over there and that I cover her expenses. The hard part is not sending the money after she begs calling me mommy or telling me that she is done... the truth is that I can't afford it, it's not that I don't want to but I know in my heart that the most important reason of why I should stop saving her is because I need to stop enabling her. I told her that she needed to get a job if she wanted to stay there... so she did. She works in sales for a big electronic retail store, I know she is very good at that. It makes me very happy for her and I hope this will give her the sense of purpose that she needs. The drama took maybe a little over a week but I put my foot down and said no, I'm sorry I can't and at the end she did what she needed to do to take care of herself. This is a good lesson to me to learn that I can't fix or control everything.

My mom came to visit us and stayed a couple of weeks. I had a chance to make amendments and let go of some stuff that were holding me back. We celebrated Jeff in father's day, he is not my daughter's dad but he has been so good to them and the kids (our 3 dogs) that it feels just right, even Alex sent him a text. We had our little luau party in the backyard :)

Today I went to the Al-anon meeting, the topic was about living the life that we choose to live and be happy no matter what the situation we are in. I liked that... I can't change how others behave but I can change myself. I can be more forgiving, tolerant and accept others the way that they are. I can't change my Alex but even thou I'm going to be there for her I can choose to live happy just for me one day at the time.

More Ups and Downs

After weeks of relative calm, Alex's illness remind us that it's still there. One call at work telling me that she wanted to move to her friend's apartment took me by surprise, I said let me call you back and we'll talk about it. Later in the day I got 4 or 5 text messages from Jeff saying that housing was kicking her out of the University apartments, they were at the door knocking while she was inside crying and hysterical in the phone with him, he talked to the housing people and explained that he suffers from a mental disorder, it seems that she forgot to apply for summer school. They let her stay and signed the contract. The next day she received a note from the University, there is a chance that she will be suspended, according to her version  it was "just because I took care of my friend's cats for 3 days". I explained to my 21 year old daughter about rules and how they work... again like when she was 4,  "it's not a big deal, I've seen people doing worse stuff and they don't get suspended"... "Alex, it's the principle" I said since I  knew she got in trouble before for having a rat in her room. She thinks that if she gets suspended from school her world will end and nothing else will matter. I can feel her pain because I know how much she wants to graduate, also I know how much she loves animals and how lonely she must feel being alone in that apartment and actually, the whole building. College campus are  ghost towns during the summer. I said that I could go get her this weekend and come home, she told me that she wants to stay and get a job and she actually had a job interview yesterday, she feels that it went really well.

I pray that everything will be fine and that she will have the strength to deal with whatever happens next week when she will find out about the possible suspension and the job. As per myself I plan to ride my bike the whole weekend, including memorial day with Banana. Maggie 2.0 (my bike) will be now 3.0 since she got a new set of Shimano 105 components. I picked her up yesterday from the shop and tonight I'm taking her for a ride, I know this will make things more bearable for me.