When I leave

These last days I've been thinking about my dad and all the good times that we had together, I miss him so much but a part of me is starting to feel him around in all the good things, the beautiful things. I hope I can go to the ceremony that my sister is preparing to take his ashes to the bay of his beloved hometown. Also during these time Alex kept asking for money so I kept saying no. She was very angry when I said I couldn't pay for her graduation ring due to all the expenses I had with dad's death. I can tell she doesn't care how I feel and that she is only thinking of what she wants. She stopped taking her medications or some of them, we believe is because she wants to keep drinking, we all know that she shouldn't be drinking if she takes the amount of lithium that she has to take to help her stabilize her mood. I've heard relapses happen when patients stop their medications because they feel better and think they don't need them any more. It is scary but I know is a matter of time before something happens... I hope I'm wrong. I talked to her yesterday and told her how much I love her, that I want the best for her and that the only thing that I could leave to her when I leave from this world is to teach her to be a person of character, integrity and able to stand on her own feet which is the same and only thing that my father left to me. She didn't seem interested in having this conversation so I just said to her that we love her again and said good bye. I don't know what's going to happen but I feel that right now she needs to start taking care of herself and my loving gift to her is to leave alone, I really hope that I am right. I can't let the fear paralyze me I need to keep moving or I'll continue to die every day little by little. On Saturday and Sunday I pulled myself together and went for a ride. I feel much better during and after it, it's amazing. I am tired but somehow happy because I was able to complete a challenging 40 mile ride today.