Alex's birthday

Alex turned 23 two days ago and she had a party... for herself. Again those well known chills running down my spine came to visit me one more time.

Are you taking your meds Alex?  I asked.
The answer: No.
I asked ...why?
Because I can't see the doctor at the University, they said I needed long term treatment.
But Alex you know you can't be without your meds... remember what happens.
I know, I know mom... I've called two time already trying to find a doctor.
Alex, please (I begged) please you know that this is a priority.
I know mom.

Of course she knows... she had a party, she hired a DJ and posted in facebook all about it.
Banana as always just worrying about me because I worry about Alex. My mom is not doing too good, her heart is acting up; Jeff is not doing too good either and he doesn't even realize it. Sometimes things are just too much. I started reading the Al-anon book again and I'm going back to the meetings or probably to some type of meditation as requested by the nutritionist that I went to see this week. Obviously she was able to see something is not quite right and probably my anxiety is part of the reason why I eat more than I should and probably the reason of the inflammation of my joints.

I decided that I'm taking a trip to the place I consider my home. I will go and visit my dear friends and attempt to complete the last 100 miles bike ride of the year. I got my plane ticket, it is going to be fun.
Yesterday I rode 70 hilly windy miles as a training, it was hard but this helps me to focus in something other that all the drama. Today I rode another 30.  I am moving forward, I can't get stuck in the same place. I need to move forward.

The lingering fear again

The last days have been pretty good, every time I spoke with Alex she picked up the phone and sounded pretty alert. I rode my bike Saturday and Sunday and I felt good, my muscles are building up and it is not so painful any more since I got the new handle bars, the weather couldn't be more perfect everything was just great I even felt more energized and I didn't really had to take a nap after the rides. The bluebonnets are blooming and the scenery is beautiful when we ride by the fields full of them. The sun it's very bright. The only thing that messed up this beautiful weekend was a call after 11 pm but I didn't hear the phone, neither my cell phone. I remember waking up and thinking there was something wrong with the answer machine and turned off. I was half asleep and I didn't see the missed call from Alex, I went back to bed. When I woke up this morning I realized what had happened and my heart stopped, she called and I didn't answer and mostly what happened?... will she be ok? is she in the hospital again? did she need to talk? should I call now?... promptly I went online and read new post in her facebook, she posted that she had an allergic reaction to powder paint? wth is that? and once again I have to listened to Jeff telling how she needs to do this or that and I just nod, thinking to myself that this is getting old. I saw that she was up and called her, she is doing better and didn't need to go to the hospital, I feel much better now, relieved but my jaws are still clenching because of the tension... and the fear lingers around again. Today I have the NAMI session, I hope this helps.

Adding a new word to my vocabulary: shortcoming

 

short·com·ing Noun:  a failure, defect, or deficiency in conduct, condition, thought, ability, etc

Today was a rainy day and there was not a chance for a bike ride and I decided to go to the Saturday Al-anon meeting. Today's reading was about tolerating others and recognizing our own shortcomings; when it was my turn to talk I looked at them with a dumb face and said that I didn't understand the word "shortcoming". A couple of of members mumbled some definitions but since my first language is not English, I still had a problem visualizing the meaning in my head and I passed. The young lady sitting next to me was very open and honest to express how she felt about her lack of tolerance to others, most of them talked about being critical or judging others but in my case I am passed that. I used to think that mental illness, drugs and alcohol happened only to other people, maybe ignorant or immoral... not to me, not to my family, now I only feel a deep sympathy for people struggling with any of these terrible situations and I hope others can show some compassion to my daughter and my family. After everybody talked I raised my hand and said I wanted to add something else... oh boy... the word had a meaning now and I knew what my biggest "shortcoming" was: fear. Because of the terrible things that had happened to me and the girls during the last years since my divorce, I grew a fear to the uncertain that it's been getting worse during the last year when Alex went for the first time to the hospital. The fear that cripples and paralyzes you, the fear of getting the expected unexpected call during the night telling you that something terrible has happened, the fear of getting hit by a car during my bike ride, my mind playing tricks telling me that God will punish me, my imagination telling me that the big black bird showed up that morning bringing bad news... I ended up saying that after coming to the meetings I realize that it is on me, I am the one that suffers for something that hasn't happened and might never do. Today I will seek to correct my biggest shortcoming: fear.