Alex's birthday

Alex turned 23 two days ago and she had a party... for herself. Again those well known chills running down my spine came to visit me one more time.

Are you taking your meds Alex?  I asked.
The answer: No.
I asked ...why?
Because I can't see the doctor at the University, they said I needed long term treatment.
But Alex you know you can't be without your meds... remember what happens.
I know, I know mom... I've called two time already trying to find a doctor.
Alex, please (I begged) please you know that this is a priority.
I know mom.

Of course she knows... she had a party, she hired a DJ and posted in facebook all about it.
Banana as always just worrying about me because I worry about Alex. My mom is not doing too good, her heart is acting up; Jeff is not doing too good either and he doesn't even realize it. Sometimes things are just too much. I started reading the Al-anon book again and I'm going back to the meetings or probably to some type of meditation as requested by the nutritionist that I went to see this week. Obviously she was able to see something is not quite right and probably my anxiety is part of the reason why I eat more than I should and probably the reason of the inflammation of my joints.

I decided that I'm taking a trip to the place I consider my home. I will go and visit my dear friends and attempt to complete the last 100 miles bike ride of the year. I got my plane ticket, it is going to be fun.
Yesterday I rode 70 hilly windy miles as a training, it was hard but this helps me to focus in something other that all the drama. Today I rode another 30.  I am moving forward, I can't get stuck in the same place. I need to move forward.

Learing to use the I-statement

It's been a hard week and it is only Thursday. I'm staying strong, I need to. It's been hard not only because I haven't ride my bike and Rocky is still recovering from his eye surgery but also because I realize that things are not going well with my Alex. Besides the ups and downs during the days, yesterday we got a letter from her psychiatrist advising that he won't be able to treat her any more due to her lack of compliance. In my heart I knew something was wrong with her, I can tell... I saw a new 3 inch scar on her right wrist, it is a new one, I was able to see was left of some old ones. Of course Jeff was upset and frustrated about losing this doctor, he worries about Alex and he thinks this doctor is really good. Moving forward, today I will be on my search for a new doctor. After the little drama last night, I took Alex to eat pancakes, they were huge :). We talked a lot, she told me that for some reason something changed on me, she said that I was more open now and I listen to her. Almost at the end,  I used the I-statements that I learned last Monday in NAMI several times. I told her it was very difficult for me to help her out when she is not following thru with her treatment, I said that I needed to know if she misses an appointment or stops taking her meds but the more powerful I-statement was: "If at any point I see that you are a danger to yourself, even if you get angry and don't talk to me ever again... I will get a warrant and have you committed to a psyc hospital, believe me I  won't blink to do this because I love you". She cried.