Alex's birthday

Alex turned 23 two days ago and she had a party... for herself. Again those well known chills running down my spine came to visit me one more time.

Are you taking your meds Alex?  I asked.
The answer: No.
I asked ...why?
Because I can't see the doctor at the University, they said I needed long term treatment.
But Alex you know you can't be without your meds... remember what happens.
I know, I know mom... I've called two time already trying to find a doctor.
Alex, please (I begged) please you know that this is a priority.
I know mom.

Of course she knows... she had a party, she hired a DJ and posted in facebook all about it.
Banana as always just worrying about me because I worry about Alex. My mom is not doing too good, her heart is acting up; Jeff is not doing too good either and he doesn't even realize it. Sometimes things are just too much. I started reading the Al-anon book again and I'm going back to the meetings or probably to some type of meditation as requested by the nutritionist that I went to see this week. Obviously she was able to see something is not quite right and probably my anxiety is part of the reason why I eat more than I should and probably the reason of the inflammation of my joints.

I decided that I'm taking a trip to the place I consider my home. I will go and visit my dear friends and attempt to complete the last 100 miles bike ride of the year. I got my plane ticket, it is going to be fun.
Yesterday I rode 70 hilly windy miles as a training, it was hard but this helps me to focus in something other that all the drama. Today I rode another 30.  I am moving forward, I can't get stuck in the same place. I need to move forward.

Completing the Aquabike with a beautiful mind

Even thou I think I was not well prepared for my Aquabike on September the 7th, I did a good job. I did 45 minutes on the 1.2 mile swim and averaged 16.5 mph on the 50 mile bike ride better than 2 years ago when I did the half iron distance. I have plenty of excuses of why I didn't train properly... change of jobs, the traveling, Alex going back to school, sure why not? the weather, etc. The reality is... it DOES NOT matter. I did it, I completed it even with all my limitations (age, weight, health, etc). I freaking did it again. Just like in April when I completed 172 miles in the MS150 or the half iron two years ago. I don't have a trainer or a nutritionist, I can't afford it and I'm ok with it, it makes it more challenging for me and I am up for it.

Work has been challenging as well, I am in a very difficult spot and I just roll with the punches. I have a feeling that things are going to work out at the end, at least for me. Alex got back to school and I pray that she is able to handle the stress this time. She is so close to graduate, I really admire her for being persistent. According to her, she is taking her meds and going to the doctor.

On Saturday after my bike ride I went to the bike shop where this gorgeous Cervelo R3 bike looked at me and told me "take me home", yup. I did it. I took her home, the sense of guilt is wearing off after riding her today. This baby was much more gentle in my achy hands and joints due to little arthritis here and there.

Sometimes I wonder why I do it even when I'm in pain and I think I finally got a response while reading the book "Born to Run", the author talks about the Tarahumara Indians from Mexico and how running is their only mode of transportation, There is a part in the book about this young woman that finds peace when she runs long distances. It is the only time where she can relax and her mind is quiet. I strongly relate to that. I always said that when I swim I get into this quiet mode and it is like I can talk to God. When I was riding during the Aquabike I was actually talking to myself. After a good workout I can sleep at night. Maybe that's why I do it and maybe doing the races is just a way to have a goal... who knows? but I think it works out for me. It has kept me sane that's for sure. It helps me slow down my racy beautiful mind in despite of everything that happens around me.

No news in a while

Strangely, we haven't heard from Alex in a while. She is still away working, recently she had a promotion and she is going back to college. No news is good news... I guess. Then why am I bothered by it? maybe because I tried to call her several times and she only replies with a text message reading "work". I always try to be positive and hope for the best so I only try to call back again and again. I want to ask her is she is taking her medications, if she is doing ok. The sad thing about this is that she used to call all the time but because she needed money and we ended up not helping her any more; I felt that it was time for her to figure out how things work. I hope I made the right decision. I've been pretty busy myself, having job interviews to try and move away from the unhealthy work environment where I currently am. I finally got an offer and I will start working on my new job in less than 2 weeks. This will be the first time I'm going to work for a big company and I'll have complete benefits, a professional environment, a great tittle. I am so looking forward to this new chapter of my life but there is a lot of thing that I know I'm going to miss, like my friends or wearing jeans at work but overall, I think this chance will be good for me.

I got very excited when I heard I was getting the job offer that I went and signed in for an Aquabike in September. This is a 1.2 mile swim and a 56 mile bike ride race. This goal forces me to get up and train. I call myself a "chunky triathlete" or a "wanna be" mainly because I am not as committed as a lot of my triathlete friends but I also know that I do more than the average people out there. When I did my half Ironman distance a couple of years ago, I was the very last one; kind of embarrassing (you never want to be the last one) but someone told me that I beat all the ones that didn't try or didn't make it to the race, everyone else that stayed at home sitting in front of the TV so now I'm calling myself just a triathlete, no name calling. Cheers~

Me and my friend Gordon Haller (he won the first ever Ironman Triathlon in 1978)

Scary thoughts

I can't seem to be able to get out of this state of fear. It's either my mother and her heart condition, my job, Alex acting up again or Jeff's health. Mother hasn't been the same since my dad passed away, she was told that her heart is too big for her chest and it seems she is trying to accomplish more thanks she can in the shortest amount of time, she left to Cancun last week and basically she can't really do too much because she gets too tired. We all know is just a matter of time before she gets more sick but something that I know about my mom is that she is and always will be a warrior, as Alex said it once "not even silver bullets will take that woman down". Jeff hasn't been healthy in a while and she spends too much time either working or watching TV. I know he's been to several doctor appointments but he won't share too much of that with me, he thinks that I worry too much. Alex and her illness will never going to end. She is having financial problems now and she expects us to bail her out... again. It seems that I can't find the strength and the patience to deal with this all over again. I took time to read a few blogs that I follow to help me put things into perspective but it seems that this time, perspective came from one of my close friends. He is facing a battle that he had won over back in 2006 and now he needs to pull himself together all over again, dig deep down and beat it one more time. This made me think about how precious, unexpected and short life is. My life has been anything but easy and I refuse to be angry at the world, I choose to look for the good of things and be happy even though those scary thoughts haunt me and still linger around in my mind. I wish for my dear friend to stay strong, I want for my daughter to be happy and I pray for my mom's and Jeff's health. I wish I can ride my bike for many many more years. Cheers and see you on the road.

All about perception.

It's been a while since the last time I wrote. Things are moving fast but everything has been good so far.... Xmas came and left  and somehow the bad stuff seem so far away that it is hard to think that happened at all. Alex keeps working full time and has taken a break from school (another one), she has problems with her finances but seems to be doing better. She has been dating Corey for a year now, I think this is the longest relationship that she's had, I still feel that he is too young for her but only time will tell. She had a rough past week, unfortunately she ran out of medications and had a manic episode. I feel the chills running down my back when that happens. I try to help her focus and stay calm and the again the questions pops out... what is she going to do when I'm not longer here? I hope I can help her prepare for that moment.

I still miss my dad and some days I miss him even more. My faith is tested and I wonder  if I'm ever going to see him again. I want to talk to him, I want him to tell me what he thinks and feels. A few days ago I was thinking that I was glad he didn't have to witness my sister's separation of her husband because I feel that she is acting erratic but who am I to judge? As I told my mom, I'm going to focus in what I can control, in whatever it's in my hands or I'm going to go crazy.

Banana keeps doing an excellent job at school, she is getting ready to come in a couple of weeks for spring break. Jeff is excited about going to bring her home. He enjoys those road trips and banana likes hanging up with him.

Jeff and I went to New Orleans for vacation last month, I wish I could say I enjoyed it but there is a sadness lingering in that place. It smells like mental illness and substance abuse, I felt a little lost but I still got a couple of good pics of the Mississippi River.

Today I woke up sick but I still went to do my bike ride. I was feeling sorry for myself because of this dang cold I got, I dared to think that I was being brave for riding in this condition and also because of the awful cold weather, silly me. My friend Kathy was there as always with her big smile, ready to ride... I think she is around 70 years old and she is battling leukemia.... How's that for brave? Once again, it's all about perception and how you react to things.

Life skills

Life is moving very fast... maybe too fast. It seems it was yesterday when we took Banana to college and she received her graduation ring last weekend. I tried my best to keep my face straight but everything went down the drain when I saw her radiant smile. I felt very proud and just like that on a flash all the things that we went thru flooded my mind. I saw her as the strong hard working young lady that she is. The time stopped for a minute and the people that was surrounding us were curious and were staring at us and wondering what the deal was. Banana was crying too. I was able to hear a couple of "awww's" but I was more concerned about how ridiculous I look with the tears running down my face. They didn't know and they will never know what we had to endure to get to this point. The same day Alex turned 22, it was a double celebration. She seems to be sober, still working and going to school full time. She is paying for her bills and she makes sense now. She is being responsible, I'm extremely happy and proud of her.


We believe  that she gets it now. Last month she sent me a text about an assignment that she had to do. She had to have $10 dollars to invest and make revenue with them. She decided to buy balloons and a pump to make figures and sell them, by the time she texted me, she had made $25 dollars and thanked me for teaching her those life skills, she was proud of how fast she multiplied her investment. I was surprised that she could even remember how to do them. She learned that from when I was recently divorced (she was still in elementary school) and I was trying my best to keep them busy and were attending church a couple of days a week as well as getting involved as volunteers in all kind of activities. One night during the Christmas holidays I offered to dress up like a clown and make balloons for disadvantaged kids, that same night we also took presents and food to them. Alex wanted to do it with me and she did. After that night, a lot more requests came in, even for birthday parties; a few months later Banana joined us. I think that the most important lesson was for them to realized that helping others is a wonderful thing and that there are a lot of people out there who also just like us, were struggling and going thru a hard times. I did the best with what we had back then and I remember those days with love and nostalgia.

When getting into College was the big deal.

The last weeks and months have been fantastic. I thank God for everything that I have and for allowing me to see life with new eyes. Since my Lola passed away on February 2011, things started to go just wrong and I got used to that feeling, not any more... I am happy and grateful. I am awake. Banana left and again I need to get used to be on my own most of the time. I miss her tremendously.

Alex is still working, going to College and seeing her therapist often. I hope she starts to see a doctor for her brain disorder soon, I have asked her too many times now and I now how fragile these things can be.

I still miss my dad... lots and lots. I try to find him on the beauty around me, in the strength inside me. I struggle fighting my demons of guilt and regret, so many things I wanted to say and do with him and for him.

Alex has to create a portfolio as a school project, it seems to me she is pretty close to get her degree and that is amazing considering everything what she has gone thru and her disorder. She asked me if I could find and send her all her awards, test, published poems and essays that I have. That was a little hard trip to the past, it was like seeing how she or we used to be and the way that things were back then. She graduated number 6 from High School where she skipped one year and was already advanced with some college classes, she got a full scholarship to go to college and I used to think I had it made... ah little I knew :)

Below is the essay she wrote to get into college, I clearly remember how humbling this was to me and the happy tears in my face. I was proud of her back then and I am so proud of her now. The picture I have in today's post is what I see while others just see a troubled young lady.

Topic A: My Warrior, My Mother, My Hero

            There are times in which I love her, and times in which I hate her. Some days I call her “Dragon lady”, and others I call her “Mom”. My mother is loving, caring, tough, and strong. She stands up for what is right, and refuses to be silenced. My mother is a warrior, and I am her student.

            When my parents divorced, my mom was left with nothing but the children and the dogs. Although she was distraught, and disheartened, she always put on a smile for my sister and me, and assured us that we were just going through a storm and that everything would be alright.

           

Between balancing bills, and living her everyday life, my mother began to work overtime; consequently, rumor began to circulate about her not being able to care for my sister and me. In spite of people expecting her to go insane, my mom continued to push forward.

           

My mother is a warrior. She has taught me to stand on my own, and to work hard. It has not always been the easiest of lessons, but she has also taught me perseverance.

           

            My mom is also compassionate. Even after my dad filed for the divorce, she kept his well being in mind.  She sent my dad a box filled with home appliances, clothes, blankets, and food, and did not even receive a “thank you” in return. Yet my mom’s spirit remained intact. My mommy has taught me the art of forgiveness. She has taught me not to hold grudges against anyone, and that people are only human, and deserve to be given second chances.

            My mother is my hero. She is what pieced this family back together, and what keeps it together. My mom’s strength has encouraged me to always keep moving forward, and when I feel like I cannot anymore, to push a little more. My mom has inspired me to be the first in my family to graduate from college in the United States of America, and not to yield to people’s expectations, but to exceed them. 

Alex

12/05/2007