Lots of good days

It was an epic ride on Saturday, an epic week... actually things are going great; reminds me of my past life when Alex was "OK" or pretending to be. Both the girls seem to be doing good. The Saturday ride was a hot, windy and very hilly route, I did it last year and I remember being tired and happy but after I passed the finish line I had a missed call from Alex. I called her back and she had received a letter from her dad saying that he needed space. Alex was supposed to get out of the hospital that weekend and everything went down the drain. She had a terrible relapse, I remember hearing the pain in her voice. She stayed another 2 weeks after that. My memory of this ride is sad, every time I look at the pictures I remember perfectly my heart in pain. Instead of staying with my friends I went home and cried. Desperation would be a good word to use to describe how I felt that day. The hospital is in another city and I was new at my job, I couldn't see her, just talk to her every hour or so until she was better. This year was different, Alex went to her ring dance, I asked her to be careful. She sounds happy and calm today so I am happy for her. Banana keeps studying hard, I think she is in love but doesn't know it, she is too scared; I hope she'll figure out. A couple of weeks ago I enrolled on a course online that keeps my mind busy, it is hard thou. Having to work from 8 to 5, coming home to study or go for a swim or a bike ride... but I feel great :) just like the old times. I was getting to concerned about my weight but I realized that my metabolism is not the same, the older I get the harder it gets to stay in shape. I am very grateful that I'm active and that I can swim 1500 mt or ride 60 miles... I am blessed and I thank God for every single good day and the not so good as well.

Cheers to the good days (Ring day)

It's been a long road since everything started to happen, most of the time tiring and frustrating but we've had some really good days like this weekend. Alex got her graduation ring, she beat the odds of coming back to college last summer. She actually got back, it's been almost a year and she qualified to get the ring because she is a senior now. It was a fantastic experience being with her and seeing her face glowing with happiness, I chocked on my own tears for a minute but I recovered promptly. I admire the strength that she had to go back to school last summer after everybody knew that she'd been on a mental hospital for almost two months, her friends knew of her attempts of suicide and that she was taking a lot of medications. I was scared to death that she had to confront the name calling and the awful jokes about what had happened... But she overcame all that and now she has her very own shinny graduation ring and a big smile on her face, I couldn't be more proud of her. I didn't get to ride my bike on Saturday but it was all worth it, I had a great time even with the down, yup, it wasn't all perfect... you can't expect that when you deal with brain disorders but I don't want to go into details, not today, not this weekend, not this time; it was of weekend of celebration for us as a family. I got to ride today and it was awesome. Perfect weather and I felt good, it was the happiness inside of me indeed.

The lingering fear again

The last days have been pretty good, every time I spoke with Alex she picked up the phone and sounded pretty alert. I rode my bike Saturday and Sunday and I felt good, my muscles are building up and it is not so painful any more since I got the new handle bars, the weather couldn't be more perfect everything was just great I even felt more energized and I didn't really had to take a nap after the rides. The bluebonnets are blooming and the scenery is beautiful when we ride by the fields full of them. The sun it's very bright. The only thing that messed up this beautiful weekend was a call after 11 pm but I didn't hear the phone, neither my cell phone. I remember waking up and thinking there was something wrong with the answer machine and turned off. I was half asleep and I didn't see the missed call from Alex, I went back to bed. When I woke up this morning I realized what had happened and my heart stopped, she called and I didn't answer and mostly what happened?... will she be ok? is she in the hospital again? did she need to talk? should I call now?... promptly I went online and read new post in her facebook, she posted that she had an allergic reaction to powder paint? wth is that? and once again I have to listened to Jeff telling how she needs to do this or that and I just nod, thinking to myself that this is getting old. I saw that she was up and called her, she is doing better and didn't need to go to the hospital, I feel much better now, relieved but my jaws are still clenching because of the tension... and the fear lingers around again. Today I have the NAMI session, I hope this helps.

Today I was looking back at my pain

This morning I was checking some stuff that I've written last October when I was still trying to make sense of things; this one reminded me how sometimes we are into our own pain and it is just too hard to see ahead of us. The 2 person who asked me for help were my two daughters and I just froze, I was actually not able to help but I forgave myself and moved on. The picture I posted is a walk with a close friend after a bike ride we did together after I visited Alex in the psych hospital when she was committed for the first time, I was heart broken. This is what I wrote:
 

Last night a got a second request to help... usually I'm pretty good at helping or giving advice, usually I know what to say and I'd like to think that I can make things better or have some sense; not any more. I was asked to help another mother, and the person who asked said: "just tell her what you did to help the situation, to deal with it or to see the signs, tell her what you did", the second person asked: "do you remember how we got over the anger and fear? what did we do?, I just need to know what to tell my friend so she can get over this". The truth is... I don't remember. What I remember is the sharp pain that still lingers under my skin, I remember the fear like what I imagine being inside a tank of starving sharks and just waiting for my body to be tear apart... that's what I remember. I remember that the body goes on a numb mode but within inside you find the strength to keep moving because you have many reasons to do so and mostly because you are not a quitter;  you reach out, educate yourself and somehow you overcome the fear and learn to let go of the control and face the battle with tears in your face, the pain and fear still lingering inside but you are more aware, you understand little by little what you are against to. After that you make peace with the situation and learn to live one day at the time. I don't know if I can help, maybe I'm the one who needs the help... what I found out is that sometimes the best thing to do is just to be quiet, sit down and watch ... praying...and sometimes you got to pull yourself together and reach out so you don't let go ...at least not without fighting back... also praying.

Leaving the 24 hour chip behind

After a long chat with Alex about her illness on Wednesday, she still left home on Thursday. My level of anxiety increased a big deal, I even thought she might have taken off to another city where her friends were meeting to party. After she was gone I went into her room like I always do... in the top of my father's "Big Book" was her 24 hour recovery chip. I put it in my pocket and walked out of the room; now it's in my purse next to the little wooden cross that my dad gave me. I keep praying for her but I can still feel the pain in my jaws because of the stress and tension in my body. I tried to called her but no answer, I was going to trace her cell phone that same night to see if she had lied to me but then I thought that there was no point on doing that and I went to bed, I prayed to God to give me the strength to let go and put her on His hands. This is her second 24 hour chip, she gave away the first one that she received to a friend who was going thru a hard time, she relapsed when she turned 21 last November after that. On Friday Banana recommended to go out and eat Indian food and we had a great time, never imagined that it will be that delicious. I had a chance to ride with Banana on Saturday, we did the St Patrick's parade ride and it was a ton of fun, except for being stung by a bee in my left eye while we were riding back, it was painful but I was man enough to finish the ride :) Today I had another opportunity to ride, a little bit of rain but somehow I managed to keep up and complete the ride now I'm very sore... I found new muscles since JT (the guy from the bike shop) has been working with my bike. I hope I'm going to get stronger now with this changes, the same way that I'm getting stronger with the NAMI and Al-Alanon groups.

Learing to use the I-statement

It's been a hard week and it is only Thursday. I'm staying strong, I need to. It's been hard not only because I haven't ride my bike and Rocky is still recovering from his eye surgery but also because I realize that things are not going well with my Alex. Besides the ups and downs during the days, yesterday we got a letter from her psychiatrist advising that he won't be able to treat her any more due to her lack of compliance. In my heart I knew something was wrong with her, I can tell... I saw a new 3 inch scar on her right wrist, it is a new one, I was able to see was left of some old ones. Of course Jeff was upset and frustrated about losing this doctor, he worries about Alex and he thinks this doctor is really good. Moving forward, today I will be on my search for a new doctor. After the little drama last night, I took Alex to eat pancakes, they were huge :). We talked a lot, she told me that for some reason something changed on me, she said that I was more open now and I listen to her. Almost at the end,  I used the I-statements that I learned last Monday in NAMI several times. I told her it was very difficult for me to help her out when she is not following thru with her treatment, I said that I needed to know if she misses an appointment or stops taking her meds but the more powerful I-statement was: "If at any point I see that you are a danger to yourself, even if you get angry and don't talk to me ever again... I will get a warrant and have you committed to a psyc hospital, believe me I  won't blink to do this because I love you". She cried.

Sometimes it gets more difficult than others

The girls are here for spring break but this weekend is not what I expected. It's been raining and I wasn't able to ride my bike and that stresses me out but the real downer is that Alex has been acting up.  She wants to leave with friends to spend the last days of spring break with friends... with no-good-news-friends but she needs money and I said NO sorry I don't have any money... of course she got upset and we know how that goes. I was hoping that she will have a moment of clarity so I could talk to her and explain why I thought that was not a good idea. I went to my room to take a shower but not after I opened my "Courage to Change" book and prayed. After a few minutes she went to her room and texted me, we exchanged few messages while I was thinking to go to her room and talk to her in person but seemed that it was the only way she "listened" to me... and it worked. We decided to go ahead and have a good time together, just the three of us. Her, Banana and me. We had a good time after all. I tried my best to reach to her and I saw a lot of anger, desperation and jealousy. My hear breaks and once again I tried to tell her that life is too short and she will better off letting go of those bad feelings. I tried to tell her she is better when she takes her meds, I tried to tell her that one day I won't be here to look after her and I love her more than anything else but I can't approve or enable inappropriate behavior. I tried a lot today and sometimes things just get more difficult than others but it is what it is and I'm learning to live this way just one day at the time.