A new life

My last post was about Eddie's accident, that was April 2014. Today is December, same year. After being miserable in my relationship for the last couple of years I decided to come back home. My fiancé  reluctantly agreed and it was a painful process. It's been 2 months and I feel happier and healthier. Alex graduated from college :) she is my hero for her determination. There was a point that we thought she would needed to be disabled , unable to go to school or work, now I look back and I see how wrong I was. Besides that she graduated, she took and insternenship at Disney, she's been gone for almost 6 months now. Amazing how thigs worked out after feeling that there was never going to be a resolution of our situation. Now I'm back home living on a empty house with 3 dogs. Banana graduated as well and she stayed at the same college for grad school. I hope I can see them soon. It gets lonely sometimes. Cheers to new beginnings, God bless.

Life goes on

We lost a fellow cyclist a few days ago. He was hit by a truck while riding his bicycle during the early morning ride, a ride that my friends and I started doing a few years back home, the place that I call home and keep close to my heart, the place I want to go back to one day. Eddie was like nobody else, I saw him around a couple of times but saw many pictures of him. The pictures were full of life and captured his true nature. He was fun, hilarious fun. He was young father and a husband, a great friend. His body landed in the bed of the pickup that hit him and they took him away, they were trying to get rid of the body so the police found out later. My close friends who knew him better were devastated, I ache for them and for their terrible loss. Multiple histories, pictures and videos were posted and tears of honest pain ran down my face. I wish I had a chance to know him better. A crowded memorial and many rides were done in his name. I pray for resignation and peace for those who loved him. Even Alex sent me a text message asking me to be careful, that she didn't know what she would do if I get hit by a car. I told her that I was fine and that everything was going to be alright; thanks God she started taking her medication again... she seems to be doing better. Banana will graduate next month from college and mom will come to be there. I can't wait, I'm glad mom is coming and will be able to see her granddaughter's graduation. Things keep moving one way or another sometimes like this... painful and a little harder but this is life and it goes on, we choose to move forward focusing in the good things that make this ride worth it.

See you on the road...

Alex's birthday

Alex turned 23 two days ago and she had a party... for herself. Again those well known chills running down my spine came to visit me one more time.

Are you taking your meds Alex?  I asked.
The answer: No.
I asked ...why?
Because I can't see the doctor at the University, they said I needed long term treatment.
But Alex you know you can't be without your meds... remember what happens.
I know, I know mom... I've called two time already trying to find a doctor.
Alex, please (I begged) please you know that this is a priority.
I know mom.

Of course she knows... she had a party, she hired a DJ and posted in facebook all about it.
Banana as always just worrying about me because I worry about Alex. My mom is not doing too good, her heart is acting up; Jeff is not doing too good either and he doesn't even realize it. Sometimes things are just too much. I started reading the Al-anon book again and I'm going back to the meetings or probably to some type of meditation as requested by the nutritionist that I went to see this week. Obviously she was able to see something is not quite right and probably my anxiety is part of the reason why I eat more than I should and probably the reason of the inflammation of my joints.

I decided that I'm taking a trip to the place I consider my home. I will go and visit my dear friends and attempt to complete the last 100 miles bike ride of the year. I got my plane ticket, it is going to be fun.
Yesterday I rode 70 hilly windy miles as a training, it was hard but this helps me to focus in something other that all the drama. Today I rode another 30.  I am moving forward, I can't get stuck in the same place. I need to move forward.

Completing the Aquabike with a beautiful mind

Even thou I think I was not well prepared for my Aquabike on September the 7th, I did a good job. I did 45 minutes on the 1.2 mile swim and averaged 16.5 mph on the 50 mile bike ride better than 2 years ago when I did the half iron distance. I have plenty of excuses of why I didn't train properly... change of jobs, the traveling, Alex going back to school, sure why not? the weather, etc. The reality is... it DOES NOT matter. I did it, I completed it even with all my limitations (age, weight, health, etc). I freaking did it again. Just like in April when I completed 172 miles in the MS150 or the half iron two years ago. I don't have a trainer or a nutritionist, I can't afford it and I'm ok with it, it makes it more challenging for me and I am up for it.

Work has been challenging as well, I am in a very difficult spot and I just roll with the punches. I have a feeling that things are going to work out at the end, at least for me. Alex got back to school and I pray that she is able to handle the stress this time. She is so close to graduate, I really admire her for being persistent. According to her, she is taking her meds and going to the doctor.

On Saturday after my bike ride I went to the bike shop where this gorgeous Cervelo R3 bike looked at me and told me "take me home", yup. I did it. I took her home, the sense of guilt is wearing off after riding her today. This baby was much more gentle in my achy hands and joints due to little arthritis here and there.

Sometimes I wonder why I do it even when I'm in pain and I think I finally got a response while reading the book "Born to Run", the author talks about the Tarahumara Indians from Mexico and how running is their only mode of transportation, There is a part in the book about this young woman that finds peace when she runs long distances. It is the only time where she can relax and her mind is quiet. I strongly relate to that. I always said that when I swim I get into this quiet mode and it is like I can talk to God. When I was riding during the Aquabike I was actually talking to myself. After a good workout I can sleep at night. Maybe that's why I do it and maybe doing the races is just a way to have a goal... who knows? but I think it works out for me. It has kept me sane that's for sure. It helps me slow down my racy beautiful mind in despite of everything that happens around me.

No news in a while

Strangely, we haven't heard from Alex in a while. She is still away working, recently she had a promotion and she is going back to college. No news is good news... I guess. Then why am I bothered by it? maybe because I tried to call her several times and she only replies with a text message reading "work". I always try to be positive and hope for the best so I only try to call back again and again. I want to ask her is she is taking her medications, if she is doing ok. The sad thing about this is that she used to call all the time but because she needed money and we ended up not helping her any more; I felt that it was time for her to figure out how things work. I hope I made the right decision. I've been pretty busy myself, having job interviews to try and move away from the unhealthy work environment where I currently am. I finally got an offer and I will start working on my new job in less than 2 weeks. This will be the first time I'm going to work for a big company and I'll have complete benefits, a professional environment, a great tittle. I am so looking forward to this new chapter of my life but there is a lot of thing that I know I'm going to miss, like my friends or wearing jeans at work but overall, I think this chance will be good for me.

I got very excited when I heard I was getting the job offer that I went and signed in for an Aquabike in September. This is a 1.2 mile swim and a 56 mile bike ride race. This goal forces me to get up and train. I call myself a "chunky triathlete" or a "wanna be" mainly because I am not as committed as a lot of my triathlete friends but I also know that I do more than the average people out there. When I did my half Ironman distance a couple of years ago, I was the very last one; kind of embarrassing (you never want to be the last one) but someone told me that I beat all the ones that didn't try or didn't make it to the race, everyone else that stayed at home sitting in front of the TV so now I'm calling myself just a triathlete, no name calling. Cheers~

Me and my friend Gordon Haller (he won the first ever Ironman Triathlon in 1978)

Scary thoughts

I can't seem to be able to get out of this state of fear. It's either my mother and her heart condition, my job, Alex acting up again or Jeff's health. Mother hasn't been the same since my dad passed away, she was told that her heart is too big for her chest and it seems she is trying to accomplish more thanks she can in the shortest amount of time, she left to Cancun last week and basically she can't really do too much because she gets too tired. We all know is just a matter of time before she gets more sick but something that I know about my mom is that she is and always will be a warrior, as Alex said it once "not even silver bullets will take that woman down". Jeff hasn't been healthy in a while and she spends too much time either working or watching TV. I know he's been to several doctor appointments but he won't share too much of that with me, he thinks that I worry too much. Alex and her illness will never going to end. She is having financial problems now and she expects us to bail her out... again. It seems that I can't find the strength and the patience to deal with this all over again. I took time to read a few blogs that I follow to help me put things into perspective but it seems that this time, perspective came from one of my close friends. He is facing a battle that he had won over back in 2006 and now he needs to pull himself together all over again, dig deep down and beat it one more time. This made me think about how precious, unexpected and short life is. My life has been anything but easy and I refuse to be angry at the world, I choose to look for the good of things and be happy even though those scary thoughts haunt me and still linger around in my mind. I wish for my dear friend to stay strong, I want for my daughter to be happy and I pray for my mom's and Jeff's health. I wish I can ride my bike for many many more years. Cheers and see you on the road.

All about perception.

It's been a while since the last time I wrote. Things are moving fast but everything has been good so far.... Xmas came and left  and somehow the bad stuff seem so far away that it is hard to think that happened at all. Alex keeps working full time and has taken a break from school (another one), she has problems with her finances but seems to be doing better. She has been dating Corey for a year now, I think this is the longest relationship that she's had, I still feel that he is too young for her but only time will tell. She had a rough past week, unfortunately she ran out of medications and had a manic episode. I feel the chills running down my back when that happens. I try to help her focus and stay calm and the again the questions pops out... what is she going to do when I'm not longer here? I hope I can help her prepare for that moment.

I still miss my dad and some days I miss him even more. My faith is tested and I wonder  if I'm ever going to see him again. I want to talk to him, I want him to tell me what he thinks and feels. A few days ago I was thinking that I was glad he didn't have to witness my sister's separation of her husband because I feel that she is acting erratic but who am I to judge? As I told my mom, I'm going to focus in what I can control, in whatever it's in my hands or I'm going to go crazy.

Banana keeps doing an excellent job at school, she is getting ready to come in a couple of weeks for spring break. Jeff is excited about going to bring her home. He enjoys those road trips and banana likes hanging up with him.

Jeff and I went to New Orleans for vacation last month, I wish I could say I enjoyed it but there is a sadness lingering in that place. It smells like mental illness and substance abuse, I felt a little lost but I still got a couple of good pics of the Mississippi River.

Today I woke up sick but I still went to do my bike ride. I was feeling sorry for myself because of this dang cold I got, I dared to think that I was being brave for riding in this condition and also because of the awful cold weather, silly me. My friend Kathy was there as always with her big smile, ready to ride... I think she is around 70 years old and she is battling leukemia.... How's that for brave? Once again, it's all about perception and how you react to things.

Life skills

Life is moving very fast... maybe too fast. It seems it was yesterday when we took Banana to college and she received her graduation ring last weekend. I tried my best to keep my face straight but everything went down the drain when I saw her radiant smile. I felt very proud and just like that on a flash all the things that we went thru flooded my mind. I saw her as the strong hard working young lady that she is. The time stopped for a minute and the people that was surrounding us were curious and were staring at us and wondering what the deal was. Banana was crying too. I was able to hear a couple of "awww's" but I was more concerned about how ridiculous I look with the tears running down my face. They didn't know and they will never know what we had to endure to get to this point. The same day Alex turned 22, it was a double celebration. She seems to be sober, still working and going to school full time. She is paying for her bills and she makes sense now. She is being responsible, I'm extremely happy and proud of her.


We believe  that she gets it now. Last month she sent me a text about an assignment that she had to do. She had to have $10 dollars to invest and make revenue with them. She decided to buy balloons and a pump to make figures and sell them, by the time she texted me, she had made $25 dollars and thanked me for teaching her those life skills, she was proud of how fast she multiplied her investment. I was surprised that she could even remember how to do them. She learned that from when I was recently divorced (she was still in elementary school) and I was trying my best to keep them busy and were attending church a couple of days a week as well as getting involved as volunteers in all kind of activities. One night during the Christmas holidays I offered to dress up like a clown and make balloons for disadvantaged kids, that same night we also took presents and food to them. Alex wanted to do it with me and she did. After that night, a lot more requests came in, even for birthday parties; a few months later Banana joined us. I think that the most important lesson was for them to realized that helping others is a wonderful thing and that there are a lot of people out there who also just like us, were struggling and going thru a hard times. I did the best with what we had back then and I remember those days with love and nostalgia.

When getting into College was the big deal.

The last weeks and months have been fantastic. I thank God for everything that I have and for allowing me to see life with new eyes. Since my Lola passed away on February 2011, things started to go just wrong and I got used to that feeling, not any more... I am happy and grateful. I am awake. Banana left and again I need to get used to be on my own most of the time. I miss her tremendously.

Alex is still working, going to College and seeing her therapist often. I hope she starts to see a doctor for her brain disorder soon, I have asked her too many times now and I now how fragile these things can be.

I still miss my dad... lots and lots. I try to find him on the beauty around me, in the strength inside me. I struggle fighting my demons of guilt and regret, so many things I wanted to say and do with him and for him.

Alex has to create a portfolio as a school project, it seems to me she is pretty close to get her degree and that is amazing considering everything what she has gone thru and her disorder. She asked me if I could find and send her all her awards, test, published poems and essays that I have. That was a little hard trip to the past, it was like seeing how she or we used to be and the way that things were back then. She graduated number 6 from High School where she skipped one year and was already advanced with some college classes, she got a full scholarship to go to college and I used to think I had it made... ah little I knew :)

Below is the essay she wrote to get into college, I clearly remember how humbling this was to me and the happy tears in my face. I was proud of her back then and I am so proud of her now. The picture I have in today's post is what I see while others just see a troubled young lady.

Topic A: My Warrior, My Mother, My Hero

            There are times in which I love her, and times in which I hate her. Some days I call her “Dragon lady”, and others I call her “Mom”. My mother is loving, caring, tough, and strong. She stands up for what is right, and refuses to be silenced. My mother is a warrior, and I am her student.

            When my parents divorced, my mom was left with nothing but the children and the dogs. Although she was distraught, and disheartened, she always put on a smile for my sister and me, and assured us that we were just going through a storm and that everything would be alright.

           

Between balancing bills, and living her everyday life, my mother began to work overtime; consequently, rumor began to circulate about her not being able to care for my sister and me. In spite of people expecting her to go insane, my mom continued to push forward.

           

My mother is a warrior. She has taught me to stand on my own, and to work hard. It has not always been the easiest of lessons, but she has also taught me perseverance.

           

            My mom is also compassionate. Even after my dad filed for the divorce, she kept his well being in mind.  She sent my dad a box filled with home appliances, clothes, blankets, and food, and did not even receive a “thank you” in return. Yet my mom’s spirit remained intact. My mommy has taught me the art of forgiveness. She has taught me not to hold grudges against anyone, and that people are only human, and deserve to be given second chances.

            My mother is my hero. She is what pieced this family back together, and what keeps it together. My mom’s strength has encouraged me to always keep moving forward, and when I feel like I cannot anymore, to push a little more. My mom has inspired me to be the first in my family to graduate from college in the United States of America, and not to yield to people’s expectations, but to exceed them. 

Alex

12/05/2007

Staying positive

For some reason things seem to be changing for good. Since Alex's diagnose, I have a different way to see her illness, I can feel hope inside me growing; she is staying busy working, taking care of her bills and working things out with the school, I think she is finally out of  probation and she will be able to enroll for the next semester. Mom had a surgery, it was very scary because she "didn't want to wake up", I told her that I didn't know how much I love her and how scared I was to loose her like my dad. She is out of the hospital now and going back to normal. I've been feeling very grateful as well, I was reminded in many ways and by different people of good things that I've said or did... it makes me happy to know that I can touch somebody. Today at work I received a random hug :) I like to think that I'm likeable, somehow I feel lovable today. Banana (my young daughter) tells me that I'm fantastic and that I'm stronger that I think I am, she is so sweet. Last night I had a dream that my dad was visiting, he really wanted to tell me or show me something important but the dogs woke me up; I rushed to try to go back to sleep but I had a hard time. When I finally went to sleep, the second part of the dream was very sad, I remember a lot of rain and I wasn't able to find dad in there, it felt that he just had died. In the morning I felt frustrated because I couldn't finish talking to my dad in my dreams. I miss him very much. The weekend was EPIC, I was able to be a ride leader for the first time with my friend B, who is going thru some hard stuff at this time. She is a great lady but I think she doesn't know how wonderful she is. I can sense regret, a bit of sadness and fear. We talked for a while after the ride, I think she will find her strength deep inside and she'll keep moving forward, she is a trooper, a warrior and that's why I've always liked her.

Finally a diagnose

Yesterday was a milestone. If I'd heard that my daughter was bipolar 2 years ago I'd be devastated, but listening to this yesterday was great news after wondering for over a year what's wrong with her and receiving so much information and opinions from different doctors, therapists and counselors and also taking all kind of meds for all kind of mental disorders... they call them "cocktails", they are only different combinations of medications until supposedly they find the right one.

She finally took a formal test (this after missing the test date a couple of times) that could properly diagnose her. Her text message says that she has generalize anxiety and PTSD, no ADHD or BPD but she has a permanent disability, she said that she is actually bipolar. In my personal opinion, this disorder is manageable and she has a big chance to live a long beautiful life (that was my response to her in my text message when I replied) I was filled with joy that I was able to finally put a name to her issues. I was relieved! One of the doctors diagnosed her BPD, I know that the BPD's have a high suicide rate and I was horrified all the time to think that I could loose her because of this, there is no medication, Alex even mentioned one time that this was the worst of all the mental disorders. Now I know that she can control her illness with medication. I was crying of happiness and I thanked God for this. After that I went to my bike ride with Banana and even I had 2 flats... I can tell you that yesterday was a great day!

A little bit of though love

I've always said that my daughters are my weakness. I love them so much and since they were born I promised to myself that I will protect, love and take care of them for always. These last weeks have been awful, I still think I'm doing better than before in the way that I'm handling the situation. Alex was finally suspended again from college, just for the summer (I think). She called me crying, she said that she couldn't handled it then she said that she didn't care any more; she sent me a text one day me around 3 am asking me to find a permanent hospital because she was done with the outside world. Everything I said is "we love you and come home" but she doesn't want to come home, she wants to stay over there and that I cover her expenses. The hard part is not sending the money after she begs calling me mommy or telling me that she is done... the truth is that I can't afford it, it's not that I don't want to but I know in my heart that the most important reason of why I should stop saving her is because I need to stop enabling her. I told her that she needed to get a job if she wanted to stay there... so she did. She works in sales for a big electronic retail store, I know she is very good at that. It makes me very happy for her and I hope this will give her the sense of purpose that she needs. The drama took maybe a little over a week but I put my foot down and said no, I'm sorry I can't and at the end she did what she needed to do to take care of herself. This is a good lesson to me to learn that I can't fix or control everything.

My mom came to visit us and stayed a couple of weeks. I had a chance to make amendments and let go of some stuff that were holding me back. We celebrated Jeff in father's day, he is not my daughter's dad but he has been so good to them and the kids (our 3 dogs) that it feels just right, even Alex sent him a text. We had our little luau party in the backyard :)

Today I went to the Al-anon meeting, the topic was about living the life that we choose to live and be happy no matter what the situation we are in. I liked that... I can't change how others behave but I can change myself. I can be more forgiving, tolerant and accept others the way that they are. I can't change my Alex but even thou I'm going to be there for her I can choose to live happy just for me one day at the time.

More Ups and Downs

After weeks of relative calm, Alex's illness remind us that it's still there. One call at work telling me that she wanted to move to her friend's apartment took me by surprise, I said let me call you back and we'll talk about it. Later in the day I got 4 or 5 text messages from Jeff saying that housing was kicking her out of the University apartments, they were at the door knocking while she was inside crying and hysterical in the phone with him, he talked to the housing people and explained that he suffers from a mental disorder, it seems that she forgot to apply for summer school. They let her stay and signed the contract. The next day she received a note from the University, there is a chance that she will be suspended, according to her version  it was "just because I took care of my friend's cats for 3 days". I explained to my 21 year old daughter about rules and how they work... again like when she was 4,  "it's not a big deal, I've seen people doing worse stuff and they don't get suspended"... "Alex, it's the principle" I said since I  knew she got in trouble before for having a rat in her room. She thinks that if she gets suspended from school her world will end and nothing else will matter. I can feel her pain because I know how much she wants to graduate, also I know how much she loves animals and how lonely she must feel being alone in that apartment and actually, the whole building. College campus are  ghost towns during the summer. I said that I could go get her this weekend and come home, she told me that she wants to stay and get a job and she actually had a job interview yesterday, she feels that it went really well.

I pray that everything will be fine and that she will have the strength to deal with whatever happens next week when she will find out about the possible suspension and the job. As per myself I plan to ride my bike the whole weekend, including memorial day with Banana. Maggie 2.0 (my bike) will be now 3.0 since she got a new set of Shimano 105 components. I picked her up yesterday from the shop and tonight I'm taking her for a ride, I know this will make things more bearable for me.

When it comes down to money

I've never been very ambitious, I like to keep things simple... just the way I was raised. I take joy with the little things. I graduated as an engineer and I've been told that I am an overachiever but the reality is that my daughters, my family, friends and everybody I love in general motivate me. I don't believe in easy money and whatever I've accomplished so far I've worked hard to obtain it. This week was different, I thought that I needed to win the lotto and I even thought of how much I needed :) Rocky's health is down again, it might be his spine, my mom has an hernia, Alex is staying in College during the summer and needs some cash, Maggie 2.0 (my bike) needs a mayor repair. I want to give Jeff (my honey) his beautiful backyard since he spends so much time there and Harley (my big dog) almost destroyed the door and needs to be repaired. I'd like to have the money to do all of the above. I even think that the reason I can't get over my dad's death and keep dreaming that he is cold, hungry, confused or wet is because I thought some day I will get him a house just for them, nothing fancy just something comfortable and at the end I was unable to even provide him with proper healthcare... his death was a mistake that it shouldn't happened. I feel that I failed but I am working to recover. On a brighter note, I got a great deal on a "new used bike". I usually ride 3 to 4 times a week so it will be good to have her in case my current bike is at the shop and that only means that I can keep peddling and stay sane. Cheers.

Lots of good days

It was an epic ride on Saturday, an epic week... actually things are going great; reminds me of my past life when Alex was "OK" or pretending to be. Both the girls seem to be doing good. The Saturday ride was a hot, windy and very hilly route, I did it last year and I remember being tired and happy but after I passed the finish line I had a missed call from Alex. I called her back and she had received a letter from her dad saying that he needed space. Alex was supposed to get out of the hospital that weekend and everything went down the drain. She had a terrible relapse, I remember hearing the pain in her voice. She stayed another 2 weeks after that. My memory of this ride is sad, every time I look at the pictures I remember perfectly my heart in pain. Instead of staying with my friends I went home and cried. Desperation would be a good word to use to describe how I felt that day. The hospital is in another city and I was new at my job, I couldn't see her, just talk to her every hour or so until she was better. This year was different, Alex went to her ring dance, I asked her to be careful. She sounds happy and calm today so I am happy for her. Banana keeps studying hard, I think she is in love but doesn't know it, she is too scared; I hope she'll figure out. A couple of weeks ago I enrolled on a course online that keeps my mind busy, it is hard thou. Having to work from 8 to 5, coming home to study or go for a swim or a bike ride... but I feel great :) just like the old times. I was getting to concerned about my weight but I realized that my metabolism is not the same, the older I get the harder it gets to stay in shape. I am very grateful that I'm active and that I can swim 1500 mt or ride 60 miles... I am blessed and I thank God for every single good day and the not so good as well.

Cheers to the good days (Ring day)

It's been a long road since everything started to happen, most of the time tiring and frustrating but we've had some really good days like this weekend. Alex got her graduation ring, she beat the odds of coming back to college last summer. She actually got back, it's been almost a year and she qualified to get the ring because she is a senior now. It was a fantastic experience being with her and seeing her face glowing with happiness, I chocked on my own tears for a minute but I recovered promptly. I admire the strength that she had to go back to school last summer after everybody knew that she'd been on a mental hospital for almost two months, her friends knew of her attempts of suicide and that she was taking a lot of medications. I was scared to death that she had to confront the name calling and the awful jokes about what had happened... But she overcame all that and now she has her very own shinny graduation ring and a big smile on her face, I couldn't be more proud of her. I didn't get to ride my bike on Saturday but it was all worth it, I had a great time even with the down, yup, it wasn't all perfect... you can't expect that when you deal with brain disorders but I don't want to go into details, not today, not this weekend, not this time; it was of weekend of celebration for us as a family. I got to ride today and it was awesome. Perfect weather and I felt good, it was the happiness inside of me indeed.

The lingering fear again

The last days have been pretty good, every time I spoke with Alex she picked up the phone and sounded pretty alert. I rode my bike Saturday and Sunday and I felt good, my muscles are building up and it is not so painful any more since I got the new handle bars, the weather couldn't be more perfect everything was just great I even felt more energized and I didn't really had to take a nap after the rides. The bluebonnets are blooming and the scenery is beautiful when we ride by the fields full of them. The sun it's very bright. The only thing that messed up this beautiful weekend was a call after 11 pm but I didn't hear the phone, neither my cell phone. I remember waking up and thinking there was something wrong with the answer machine and turned off. I was half asleep and I didn't see the missed call from Alex, I went back to bed. When I woke up this morning I realized what had happened and my heart stopped, she called and I didn't answer and mostly what happened?... will she be ok? is she in the hospital again? did she need to talk? should I call now?... promptly I went online and read new post in her facebook, she posted that she had an allergic reaction to powder paint? wth is that? and once again I have to listened to Jeff telling how she needs to do this or that and I just nod, thinking to myself that this is getting old. I saw that she was up and called her, she is doing better and didn't need to go to the hospital, I feel much better now, relieved but my jaws are still clenching because of the tension... and the fear lingers around again. Today I have the NAMI session, I hope this helps.

Today I was looking back at my pain

This morning I was checking some stuff that I've written last October when I was still trying to make sense of things; this one reminded me how sometimes we are into our own pain and it is just too hard to see ahead of us. The 2 person who asked me for help were my two daughters and I just froze, I was actually not able to help but I forgave myself and moved on. The picture I posted is a walk with a close friend after a bike ride we did together after I visited Alex in the psych hospital when she was committed for the first time, I was heart broken. This is what I wrote:
 

Last night a got a second request to help... usually I'm pretty good at helping or giving advice, usually I know what to say and I'd like to think that I can make things better or have some sense; not any more. I was asked to help another mother, and the person who asked said: "just tell her what you did to help the situation, to deal with it or to see the signs, tell her what you did", the second person asked: "do you remember how we got over the anger and fear? what did we do?, I just need to know what to tell my friend so she can get over this". The truth is... I don't remember. What I remember is the sharp pain that still lingers under my skin, I remember the fear like what I imagine being inside a tank of starving sharks and just waiting for my body to be tear apart... that's what I remember. I remember that the body goes on a numb mode but within inside you find the strength to keep moving because you have many reasons to do so and mostly because you are not a quitter;  you reach out, educate yourself and somehow you overcome the fear and learn to let go of the control and face the battle with tears in your face, the pain and fear still lingering inside but you are more aware, you understand little by little what you are against to. After that you make peace with the situation and learn to live one day at the time. I don't know if I can help, maybe I'm the one who needs the help... what I found out is that sometimes the best thing to do is just to be quiet, sit down and watch ... praying...and sometimes you got to pull yourself together and reach out so you don't let go ...at least not without fighting back... also praying.

Leaving the 24 hour chip behind

After a long chat with Alex about her illness on Wednesday, she still left home on Thursday. My level of anxiety increased a big deal, I even thought she might have taken off to another city where her friends were meeting to party. After she was gone I went into her room like I always do... in the top of my father's "Big Book" was her 24 hour recovery chip. I put it in my pocket and walked out of the room; now it's in my purse next to the little wooden cross that my dad gave me. I keep praying for her but I can still feel the pain in my jaws because of the stress and tension in my body. I tried to called her but no answer, I was going to trace her cell phone that same night to see if she had lied to me but then I thought that there was no point on doing that and I went to bed, I prayed to God to give me the strength to let go and put her on His hands. This is her second 24 hour chip, she gave away the first one that she received to a friend who was going thru a hard time, she relapsed when she turned 21 last November after that. On Friday Banana recommended to go out and eat Indian food and we had a great time, never imagined that it will be that delicious. I had a chance to ride with Banana on Saturday, we did the St Patrick's parade ride and it was a ton of fun, except for being stung by a bee in my left eye while we were riding back, it was painful but I was man enough to finish the ride :) Today I had another opportunity to ride, a little bit of rain but somehow I managed to keep up and complete the ride now I'm very sore... I found new muscles since JT (the guy from the bike shop) has been working with my bike. I hope I'm going to get stronger now with this changes, the same way that I'm getting stronger with the NAMI and Al-Alanon groups.

Learing to use the I-statement

It's been a hard week and it is only Thursday. I'm staying strong, I need to. It's been hard not only because I haven't ride my bike and Rocky is still recovering from his eye surgery but also because I realize that things are not going well with my Alex. Besides the ups and downs during the days, yesterday we got a letter from her psychiatrist advising that he won't be able to treat her any more due to her lack of compliance. In my heart I knew something was wrong with her, I can tell... I saw a new 3 inch scar on her right wrist, it is a new one, I was able to see was left of some old ones. Of course Jeff was upset and frustrated about losing this doctor, he worries about Alex and he thinks this doctor is really good. Moving forward, today I will be on my search for a new doctor. After the little drama last night, I took Alex to eat pancakes, they were huge :). We talked a lot, she told me that for some reason something changed on me, she said that I was more open now and I listen to her. Almost at the end,  I used the I-statements that I learned last Monday in NAMI several times. I told her it was very difficult for me to help her out when she is not following thru with her treatment, I said that I needed to know if she misses an appointment or stops taking her meds but the more powerful I-statement was: "If at any point I see that you are a danger to yourself, even if you get angry and don't talk to me ever again... I will get a warrant and have you committed to a psyc hospital, believe me I  won't blink to do this because I love you". She cried.