Life skills

Life is moving very fast... maybe too fast. It seems it was yesterday when we took Banana to college and she received her graduation ring last weekend. I tried my best to keep my face straight but everything went down the drain when I saw her radiant smile. I felt very proud and just like that on a flash all the things that we went thru flooded my mind. I saw her as the strong hard working young lady that she is. The time stopped for a minute and the people that was surrounding us were curious and were staring at us and wondering what the deal was. Banana was crying too. I was able to hear a couple of "awww's" but I was more concerned about how ridiculous I look with the tears running down my face. They didn't know and they will never know what we had to endure to get to this point. The same day Alex turned 22, it was a double celebration. She seems to be sober, still working and going to school full time. She is paying for her bills and she makes sense now. She is being responsible, I'm extremely happy and proud of her.


We believe  that she gets it now. Last month she sent me a text about an assignment that she had to do. She had to have $10 dollars to invest and make revenue with them. She decided to buy balloons and a pump to make figures and sell them, by the time she texted me, she had made $25 dollars and thanked me for teaching her those life skills, she was proud of how fast she multiplied her investment. I was surprised that she could even remember how to do them. She learned that from when I was recently divorced (she was still in elementary school) and I was trying my best to keep them busy and were attending church a couple of days a week as well as getting involved as volunteers in all kind of activities. One night during the Christmas holidays I offered to dress up like a clown and make balloons for disadvantaged kids, that same night we also took presents and food to them. Alex wanted to do it with me and she did. After that night, a lot more requests came in, even for birthday parties; a few months later Banana joined us. I think that the most important lesson was for them to realized that helping others is a wonderful thing and that there are a lot of people out there who also just like us, were struggling and going thru a hard times. I did the best with what we had back then and I remember those days with love and nostalgia.

When getting into College was the big deal.

The last weeks and months have been fantastic. I thank God for everything that I have and for allowing me to see life with new eyes. Since my Lola passed away on February 2011, things started to go just wrong and I got used to that feeling, not any more... I am happy and grateful. I am awake. Banana left and again I need to get used to be on my own most of the time. I miss her tremendously.

Alex is still working, going to College and seeing her therapist often. I hope she starts to see a doctor for her brain disorder soon, I have asked her too many times now and I now how fragile these things can be.

I still miss my dad... lots and lots. I try to find him on the beauty around me, in the strength inside me. I struggle fighting my demons of guilt and regret, so many things I wanted to say and do with him and for him.

Alex has to create a portfolio as a school project, it seems to me she is pretty close to get her degree and that is amazing considering everything what she has gone thru and her disorder. She asked me if I could find and send her all her awards, test, published poems and essays that I have. That was a little hard trip to the past, it was like seeing how she or we used to be and the way that things were back then. She graduated number 6 from High School where she skipped one year and was already advanced with some college classes, she got a full scholarship to go to college and I used to think I had it made... ah little I knew :)

Below is the essay she wrote to get into college, I clearly remember how humbling this was to me and the happy tears in my face. I was proud of her back then and I am so proud of her now. The picture I have in today's post is what I see while others just see a troubled young lady.

Topic A: My Warrior, My Mother, My Hero

            There are times in which I love her, and times in which I hate her. Some days I call her “Dragon lady”, and others I call her “Mom”. My mother is loving, caring, tough, and strong. She stands up for what is right, and refuses to be silenced. My mother is a warrior, and I am her student.

            When my parents divorced, my mom was left with nothing but the children and the dogs. Although she was distraught, and disheartened, she always put on a smile for my sister and me, and assured us that we were just going through a storm and that everything would be alright.

           

Between balancing bills, and living her everyday life, my mother began to work overtime; consequently, rumor began to circulate about her not being able to care for my sister and me. In spite of people expecting her to go insane, my mom continued to push forward.

           

My mother is a warrior. She has taught me to stand on my own, and to work hard. It has not always been the easiest of lessons, but she has also taught me perseverance.

           

            My mom is also compassionate. Even after my dad filed for the divorce, she kept his well being in mind.  She sent my dad a box filled with home appliances, clothes, blankets, and food, and did not even receive a “thank you” in return. Yet my mom’s spirit remained intact. My mommy has taught me the art of forgiveness. She has taught me not to hold grudges against anyone, and that people are only human, and deserve to be given second chances.

            My mother is my hero. She is what pieced this family back together, and what keeps it together. My mom’s strength has encouraged me to always keep moving forward, and when I feel like I cannot anymore, to push a little more. My mom has inspired me to be the first in my family to graduate from college in the United States of America, and not to yield to people’s expectations, but to exceed them. 

Alex

12/05/2007

Staying positive

For some reason things seem to be changing for good. Since Alex's diagnose, I have a different way to see her illness, I can feel hope inside me growing; she is staying busy working, taking care of her bills and working things out with the school, I think she is finally out of  probation and she will be able to enroll for the next semester. Mom had a surgery, it was very scary because she "didn't want to wake up", I told her that I didn't know how much I love her and how scared I was to loose her like my dad. She is out of the hospital now and going back to normal. I've been feeling very grateful as well, I was reminded in many ways and by different people of good things that I've said or did... it makes me happy to know that I can touch somebody. Today at work I received a random hug :) I like to think that I'm likeable, somehow I feel lovable today. Banana (my young daughter) tells me that I'm fantastic and that I'm stronger that I think I am, she is so sweet. Last night I had a dream that my dad was visiting, he really wanted to tell me or show me something important but the dogs woke me up; I rushed to try to go back to sleep but I had a hard time. When I finally went to sleep, the second part of the dream was very sad, I remember a lot of rain and I wasn't able to find dad in there, it felt that he just had died. In the morning I felt frustrated because I couldn't finish talking to my dad in my dreams. I miss him very much. The weekend was EPIC, I was able to be a ride leader for the first time with my friend B, who is going thru some hard stuff at this time. She is a great lady but I think she doesn't know how wonderful she is. I can sense regret, a bit of sadness and fear. We talked for a while after the ride, I think she will find her strength deep inside and she'll keep moving forward, she is a trooper, a warrior and that's why I've always liked her.

Finally a diagnose

Yesterday was a milestone. If I'd heard that my daughter was bipolar 2 years ago I'd be devastated, but listening to this yesterday was great news after wondering for over a year what's wrong with her and receiving so much information and opinions from different doctors, therapists and counselors and also taking all kind of meds for all kind of mental disorders... they call them "cocktails", they are only different combinations of medications until supposedly they find the right one.

She finally took a formal test (this after missing the test date a couple of times) that could properly diagnose her. Her text message says that she has generalize anxiety and PTSD, no ADHD or BPD but she has a permanent disability, she said that she is actually bipolar. In my personal opinion, this disorder is manageable and she has a big chance to live a long beautiful life (that was my response to her in my text message when I replied) I was filled with joy that I was able to finally put a name to her issues. I was relieved! One of the doctors diagnosed her BPD, I know that the BPD's have a high suicide rate and I was horrified all the time to think that I could loose her because of this, there is no medication, Alex even mentioned one time that this was the worst of all the mental disorders. Now I know that she can control her illness with medication. I was crying of happiness and I thanked God for this. After that I went to my bike ride with Banana and even I had 2 flats... I can tell you that yesterday was a great day!

A little bit of though love

I've always said that my daughters are my weakness. I love them so much and since they were born I promised to myself that I will protect, love and take care of them for always. These last weeks have been awful, I still think I'm doing better than before in the way that I'm handling the situation. Alex was finally suspended again from college, just for the summer (I think). She called me crying, she said that she couldn't handled it then she said that she didn't care any more; she sent me a text one day me around 3 am asking me to find a permanent hospital because she was done with the outside world. Everything I said is "we love you and come home" but she doesn't want to come home, she wants to stay over there and that I cover her expenses. The hard part is not sending the money after she begs calling me mommy or telling me that she is done... the truth is that I can't afford it, it's not that I don't want to but I know in my heart that the most important reason of why I should stop saving her is because I need to stop enabling her. I told her that she needed to get a job if she wanted to stay there... so she did. She works in sales for a big electronic retail store, I know she is very good at that. It makes me very happy for her and I hope this will give her the sense of purpose that she needs. The drama took maybe a little over a week but I put my foot down and said no, I'm sorry I can't and at the end she did what she needed to do to take care of herself. This is a good lesson to me to learn that I can't fix or control everything.

My mom came to visit us and stayed a couple of weeks. I had a chance to make amendments and let go of some stuff that were holding me back. We celebrated Jeff in father's day, he is not my daughter's dad but he has been so good to them and the kids (our 3 dogs) that it feels just right, even Alex sent him a text. We had our little luau party in the backyard :)

Today I went to the Al-anon meeting, the topic was about living the life that we choose to live and be happy no matter what the situation we are in. I liked that... I can't change how others behave but I can change myself. I can be more forgiving, tolerant and accept others the way that they are. I can't change my Alex but even thou I'm going to be there for her I can choose to live happy just for me one day at the time.

More Ups and Downs

After weeks of relative calm, Alex's illness remind us that it's still there. One call at work telling me that she wanted to move to her friend's apartment took me by surprise, I said let me call you back and we'll talk about it. Later in the day I got 4 or 5 text messages from Jeff saying that housing was kicking her out of the University apartments, they were at the door knocking while she was inside crying and hysterical in the phone with him, he talked to the housing people and explained that he suffers from a mental disorder, it seems that she forgot to apply for summer school. They let her stay and signed the contract. The next day she received a note from the University, there is a chance that she will be suspended, according to her version  it was "just because I took care of my friend's cats for 3 days". I explained to my 21 year old daughter about rules and how they work... again like when she was 4,  "it's not a big deal, I've seen people doing worse stuff and they don't get suspended"... "Alex, it's the principle" I said since I  knew she got in trouble before for having a rat in her room. She thinks that if she gets suspended from school her world will end and nothing else will matter. I can feel her pain because I know how much she wants to graduate, also I know how much she loves animals and how lonely she must feel being alone in that apartment and actually, the whole building. College campus are  ghost towns during the summer. I said that I could go get her this weekend and come home, she told me that she wants to stay and get a job and she actually had a job interview yesterday, she feels that it went really well.

I pray that everything will be fine and that she will have the strength to deal with whatever happens next week when she will find out about the possible suspension and the job. As per myself I plan to ride my bike the whole weekend, including memorial day with Banana. Maggie 2.0 (my bike) will be now 3.0 since she got a new set of Shimano 105 components. I picked her up yesterday from the shop and tonight I'm taking her for a ride, I know this will make things more bearable for me.

When it comes down to money

I've never been very ambitious, I like to keep things simple... just the way I was raised. I take joy with the little things. I graduated as an engineer and I've been told that I am an overachiever but the reality is that my daughters, my family, friends and everybody I love in general motivate me. I don't believe in easy money and whatever I've accomplished so far I've worked hard to obtain it. This week was different, I thought that I needed to win the lotto and I even thought of how much I needed :) Rocky's health is down again, it might be his spine, my mom has an hernia, Alex is staying in College during the summer and needs some cash, Maggie 2.0 (my bike) needs a mayor repair. I want to give Jeff (my honey) his beautiful backyard since he spends so much time there and Harley (my big dog) almost destroyed the door and needs to be repaired. I'd like to have the money to do all of the above. I even think that the reason I can't get over my dad's death and keep dreaming that he is cold, hungry, confused or wet is because I thought some day I will get him a house just for them, nothing fancy just something comfortable and at the end I was unable to even provide him with proper healthcare... his death was a mistake that it shouldn't happened. I feel that I failed but I am working to recover. On a brighter note, I got a great deal on a "new used bike". I usually ride 3 to 4 times a week so it will be good to have her in case my current bike is at the shop and that only means that I can keep peddling and stay sane. Cheers.

Lots of good days

It was an epic ride on Saturday, an epic week... actually things are going great; reminds me of my past life when Alex was "OK" or pretending to be. Both the girls seem to be doing good. The Saturday ride was a hot, windy and very hilly route, I did it last year and I remember being tired and happy but after I passed the finish line I had a missed call from Alex. I called her back and she had received a letter from her dad saying that he needed space. Alex was supposed to get out of the hospital that weekend and everything went down the drain. She had a terrible relapse, I remember hearing the pain in her voice. She stayed another 2 weeks after that. My memory of this ride is sad, every time I look at the pictures I remember perfectly my heart in pain. Instead of staying with my friends I went home and cried. Desperation would be a good word to use to describe how I felt that day. The hospital is in another city and I was new at my job, I couldn't see her, just talk to her every hour or so until she was better. This year was different, Alex went to her ring dance, I asked her to be careful. She sounds happy and calm today so I am happy for her. Banana keeps studying hard, I think she is in love but doesn't know it, she is too scared; I hope she'll figure out. A couple of weeks ago I enrolled on a course online that keeps my mind busy, it is hard thou. Having to work from 8 to 5, coming home to study or go for a swim or a bike ride... but I feel great :) just like the old times. I was getting to concerned about my weight but I realized that my metabolism is not the same, the older I get the harder it gets to stay in shape. I am very grateful that I'm active and that I can swim 1500 mt or ride 60 miles... I am blessed and I thank God for every single good day and the not so good as well.

Cheers to the good days (Ring day)

It's been a long road since everything started to happen, most of the time tiring and frustrating but we've had some really good days like this weekend. Alex got her graduation ring, she beat the odds of coming back to college last summer. She actually got back, it's been almost a year and she qualified to get the ring because she is a senior now. It was a fantastic experience being with her and seeing her face glowing with happiness, I chocked on my own tears for a minute but I recovered promptly. I admire the strength that she had to go back to school last summer after everybody knew that she'd been on a mental hospital for almost two months, her friends knew of her attempts of suicide and that she was taking a lot of medications. I was scared to death that she had to confront the name calling and the awful jokes about what had happened... But she overcame all that and now she has her very own shinny graduation ring and a big smile on her face, I couldn't be more proud of her. I didn't get to ride my bike on Saturday but it was all worth it, I had a great time even with the down, yup, it wasn't all perfect... you can't expect that when you deal with brain disorders but I don't want to go into details, not today, not this weekend, not this time; it was of weekend of celebration for us as a family. I got to ride today and it was awesome. Perfect weather and I felt good, it was the happiness inside of me indeed.

The lingering fear again

The last days have been pretty good, every time I spoke with Alex she picked up the phone and sounded pretty alert. I rode my bike Saturday and Sunday and I felt good, my muscles are building up and it is not so painful any more since I got the new handle bars, the weather couldn't be more perfect everything was just great I even felt more energized and I didn't really had to take a nap after the rides. The bluebonnets are blooming and the scenery is beautiful when we ride by the fields full of them. The sun it's very bright. The only thing that messed up this beautiful weekend was a call after 11 pm but I didn't hear the phone, neither my cell phone. I remember waking up and thinking there was something wrong with the answer machine and turned off. I was half asleep and I didn't see the missed call from Alex, I went back to bed. When I woke up this morning I realized what had happened and my heart stopped, she called and I didn't answer and mostly what happened?... will she be ok? is she in the hospital again? did she need to talk? should I call now?... promptly I went online and read new post in her facebook, she posted that she had an allergic reaction to powder paint? wth is that? and once again I have to listened to Jeff telling how she needs to do this or that and I just nod, thinking to myself that this is getting old. I saw that she was up and called her, she is doing better and didn't need to go to the hospital, I feel much better now, relieved but my jaws are still clenching because of the tension... and the fear lingers around again. Today I have the NAMI session, I hope this helps.

Today I was looking back at my pain

This morning I was checking some stuff that I've written last October when I was still trying to make sense of things; this one reminded me how sometimes we are into our own pain and it is just too hard to see ahead of us. The 2 person who asked me for help were my two daughters and I just froze, I was actually not able to help but I forgave myself and moved on. The picture I posted is a walk with a close friend after a bike ride we did together after I visited Alex in the psych hospital when she was committed for the first time, I was heart broken. This is what I wrote:
 

Last night a got a second request to help... usually I'm pretty good at helping or giving advice, usually I know what to say and I'd like to think that I can make things better or have some sense; not any more. I was asked to help another mother, and the person who asked said: "just tell her what you did to help the situation, to deal with it or to see the signs, tell her what you did", the second person asked: "do you remember how we got over the anger and fear? what did we do?, I just need to know what to tell my friend so she can get over this". The truth is... I don't remember. What I remember is the sharp pain that still lingers under my skin, I remember the fear like what I imagine being inside a tank of starving sharks and just waiting for my body to be tear apart... that's what I remember. I remember that the body goes on a numb mode but within inside you find the strength to keep moving because you have many reasons to do so and mostly because you are not a quitter;  you reach out, educate yourself and somehow you overcome the fear and learn to let go of the control and face the battle with tears in your face, the pain and fear still lingering inside but you are more aware, you understand little by little what you are against to. After that you make peace with the situation and learn to live one day at the time. I don't know if I can help, maybe I'm the one who needs the help... what I found out is that sometimes the best thing to do is just to be quiet, sit down and watch ... praying...and sometimes you got to pull yourself together and reach out so you don't let go ...at least not without fighting back... also praying.

Leaving the 24 hour chip behind

After a long chat with Alex about her illness on Wednesday, she still left home on Thursday. My level of anxiety increased a big deal, I even thought she might have taken off to another city where her friends were meeting to party. After she was gone I went into her room like I always do... in the top of my father's "Big Book" was her 24 hour recovery chip. I put it in my pocket and walked out of the room; now it's in my purse next to the little wooden cross that my dad gave me. I keep praying for her but I can still feel the pain in my jaws because of the stress and tension in my body. I tried to called her but no answer, I was going to trace her cell phone that same night to see if she had lied to me but then I thought that there was no point on doing that and I went to bed, I prayed to God to give me the strength to let go and put her on His hands. This is her second 24 hour chip, she gave away the first one that she received to a friend who was going thru a hard time, she relapsed when she turned 21 last November after that. On Friday Banana recommended to go out and eat Indian food and we had a great time, never imagined that it will be that delicious. I had a chance to ride with Banana on Saturday, we did the St Patrick's parade ride and it was a ton of fun, except for being stung by a bee in my left eye while we were riding back, it was painful but I was man enough to finish the ride :) Today I had another opportunity to ride, a little bit of rain but somehow I managed to keep up and complete the ride now I'm very sore... I found new muscles since JT (the guy from the bike shop) has been working with my bike. I hope I'm going to get stronger now with this changes, the same way that I'm getting stronger with the NAMI and Al-Alanon groups.

Learing to use the I-statement

It's been a hard week and it is only Thursday. I'm staying strong, I need to. It's been hard not only because I haven't ride my bike and Rocky is still recovering from his eye surgery but also because I realize that things are not going well with my Alex. Besides the ups and downs during the days, yesterday we got a letter from her psychiatrist advising that he won't be able to treat her any more due to her lack of compliance. In my heart I knew something was wrong with her, I can tell... I saw a new 3 inch scar on her right wrist, it is a new one, I was able to see was left of some old ones. Of course Jeff was upset and frustrated about losing this doctor, he worries about Alex and he thinks this doctor is really good. Moving forward, today I will be on my search for a new doctor. After the little drama last night, I took Alex to eat pancakes, they were huge :). We talked a lot, she told me that for some reason something changed on me, she said that I was more open now and I listen to her. Almost at the end,  I used the I-statements that I learned last Monday in NAMI several times. I told her it was very difficult for me to help her out when she is not following thru with her treatment, I said that I needed to know if she misses an appointment or stops taking her meds but the more powerful I-statement was: "If at any point I see that you are a danger to yourself, even if you get angry and don't talk to me ever again... I will get a warrant and have you committed to a psyc hospital, believe me I  won't blink to do this because I love you". She cried.

Sometimes it gets more difficult than others

The girls are here for spring break but this weekend is not what I expected. It's been raining and I wasn't able to ride my bike and that stresses me out but the real downer is that Alex has been acting up.  She wants to leave with friends to spend the last days of spring break with friends... with no-good-news-friends but she needs money and I said NO sorry I don't have any money... of course she got upset and we know how that goes. I was hoping that she will have a moment of clarity so I could talk to her and explain why I thought that was not a good idea. I went to my room to take a shower but not after I opened my "Courage to Change" book and prayed. After a few minutes she went to her room and texted me, we exchanged few messages while I was thinking to go to her room and talk to her in person but seemed that it was the only way she "listened" to me... and it worked. We decided to go ahead and have a good time together, just the three of us. Her, Banana and me. We had a good time after all. I tried my best to reach to her and I saw a lot of anger, desperation and jealousy. My hear breaks and once again I tried to tell her that life is too short and she will better off letting go of those bad feelings. I tried to tell her she is better when she takes her meds, I tried to tell her that one day I won't be here to look after her and I love her more than anything else but I can't approve or enable inappropriate behavior. I tried a lot today and sometimes things just get more difficult than others but it is what it is and I'm learning to live this way just one day at the time.

Tired in a good way

It was a perfect weekend not only because I was able to ride both days and because the weather was beautiful but also because I had a conversation during my Saturday ride with a friend that made me realized and appreciate that even thou Alex has a brain disorder and she's been thru a lot she is still trying to one day graduate from college; it is hard for a "normal" person to do so and I can only imagine my daughter's struggle trying to keep up and I admire her for that. Another highlight of my weekend is that Banana had a bike crash and cracked her helmet; her sister (Alex) found a ride for her and took her to the hospital, I was fixing to get ready and drive over 3 hours there  to see how she was doing but Alex did a great job keeping us in the loop and that was awesome, I made sure to tell her I was very thankful that she was there with her and for her. Banana was released and thanks God, no broken bones or major injuries, only a concussion, needless to say... it was very scary.  I prayed to God for serenity and strength, time seemed to stop until I was told that she was OK. A friend told me that I used up a lot of adrenaline with Banana's issue and that's why I was low in energy during today's ride. I still had a great time. Rocky's eye looks great and he is already wanting to go with the other dogs so I finally slept on a bed in the actual bedroom :). I am very tired... but in a good way.

There is always the next ride

I went to the NAMI class on Monday and oh boy... it is still much more that I can handle. It is a lot of information. Class 6 was about Medications. It is not only too complicated but it is hard for my mind to understand that a mental ill person needs medication, maybe it is a cultural thing... back home there isn't a name for every brain disorder, we will usually say the the person is either "sick of the nerves" or crazy. This is the main reason I felt so guilty when Alex went to the hospital for the first time and I had to start learning more about this kind of stuff which by the way, I've always said that this is the kind of things that happens to other people, not to me, not to my family... but here we are. Anyways, I'm keeping an open mind. I try to learn and follow as much as I can. I called Alex and asked her what she was taking now after she stopped taking the Lithium, she gave me the names and looked it up... oh joy.

On Tuesday one of my dogs (Rocky) had to have his little eye removed and I missed my Al-anon meeting. Everything went very well with Rocky; he just needs a lot of attention so I'm sleeping with him on another room so the other two dogs won't bother him and also I can assist him changing position because he is in a lot of pain and wearing a cone. The poor thing :) At work there were a couple of emergencies and we've been short handed, much more than usual and I feel tired. I decided I can't ride tonight, not only because I'm tired but because I need to take care of Rocky and help Jeff with the other two dogs since they are very needy and have anxiety for being separated from Rocky :). I will ride my bike on Saturday and Sunday, the weather forecast looks awesome. Like I always say..."There is always the next ride"...

Once a Dragon Lady

Yesterday ride was great but 20 miles short of what I've planned for. I was looking forward to ride with the fast guys even thou I knew I was going to be beat to a pulp... but didn't happened. A few of the riders that were going to try as well decided not to at the last minute and of course I didn't want to be the weakest link (again) so I rode another ride/route instead but I told myself that I needed to get better so can ride with them the next time... I can do this because I love challenges and as Alex used to called me I am the dragon lady :)

Alex was in high school when she used to call me the "Dragon Lady"...she did because when I was practicing martial arts (I was one step from being a black belt so I was pretty serious about it) I got myself a tattoo of a dragon in my ankle. One of the topics of and essay that she wrote to get into college was titled "My Warrior, My Mother, My Hero" and started with this paragraph:

There are times in which I love her, and times in which I hate her. Some days I call her “Dragon lady”, and other’s I call her “Mom”. My mother is loving, caring, tough, and strong. She stands up for what is right, and refuses to be silenced. My mother is a warrior, and I am her student.

 I remember tears coming down my face and how proud I felt back in that moment. Of course she got into college and that was great, but I was more proud of the fact that I was sure that she was becoming the person of integrity and character that I wanted for both my daughters and I still do because I refuse to give up that dream. These last days I've seen Alex posting odd status on facebook and also she's been sleeping when I call her during the day. Last night she wrote something about piercing herself and I felt that tug in my heart again. As per the training that I'm taking, I'm putting together a "crisis folder" with all the information that we might need at any time if God forbid there is a crisis. This is the smart think to do for now. I'm not giving up on her or my riding because once a dragon lady, always a dragon lady.

Forcing myself

After work I had to sit down and meditate because my heart started racing with the thought of going back to my second session of the NAMI Family to Family Education Program. I know that this is opening new doors for some stuff that I rather not to know but I promised myself that I was going back, I had to force myself to go back. I love my daughter and I need to know what I'm against to. I sit in the same chair and open the big book on Class 5, it read "Problem Solving Skills Workshop". As an exercise we had to write 5 problem statements and then read the top 2, mine were that Alex had stopped taking her meds and that she tries to hurt herself when she is depressed. The instructor picked a case of a lady that has a severely depressed husband, so depressed that he doesn't get up from bed. Everybody participated helping to identify the real problem; the lady's "top problems" ended up not being the real problem but her emotional perception of it. Seeing how to look for the real problem without emotion gives you a new meaning of the situation and provides you with more ideas how to attack it... I got to say that this time I didn't get tired, bored or hungry only overwhelmed again not only because it is a lot of information but also because once again I realized that this is for life and it is not going away just because I ignore it. I like that at the end we pray and that the instructor's voice feels that he is talking straight to me and then I know God is with me, I can feel it.  After the session I called Alex and asked her how she was doing, she was very short on her answer, I told her that if she ever feel sick or bad just to call me. I reinforced how much I love her and that I was here for there.

Adding a new word to my vocabulary: shortcoming

 

short·com·ing Noun:  a failure, defect, or deficiency in conduct, condition, thought, ability, etc

Today was a rainy day and there was not a chance for a bike ride and I decided to go to the Saturday Al-anon meeting. Today's reading was about tolerating others and recognizing our own shortcomings; when it was my turn to talk I looked at them with a dumb face and said that I didn't understand the word "shortcoming". A couple of of members mumbled some definitions but since my first language is not English, I still had a problem visualizing the meaning in my head and I passed. The young lady sitting next to me was very open and honest to express how she felt about her lack of tolerance to others, most of them talked about being critical or judging others but in my case I am passed that. I used to think that mental illness, drugs and alcohol happened only to other people, maybe ignorant or immoral... not to me, not to my family, now I only feel a deep sympathy for people struggling with any of these terrible situations and I hope others can show some compassion to my daughter and my family. After everybody talked I raised my hand and said I wanted to add something else... oh boy... the word had a meaning now and I knew what my biggest "shortcoming" was: fear. Because of the terrible things that had happened to me and the girls during the last years since my divorce, I grew a fear to the uncertain that it's been getting worse during the last year when Alex went for the first time to the hospital. The fear that cripples and paralyzes you, the fear of getting the expected unexpected call during the night telling you that something terrible has happened, the fear of getting hit by a car during my bike ride, my mind playing tricks telling me that God will punish me, my imagination telling me that the big black bird showed up that morning bringing bad news... I ended up saying that after coming to the meetings I realize that it is on me, I am the one that suffers for something that hasn't happened and might never do. Today I will seek to correct my biggest shortcoming: fear.

Back to square one?

Last Monday I was looking forward to go to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support group and even thou it's been raining and I don't like driving on the rain  I made it :) I figured I need to learn more and the last time (and only) that I went to this kind of meeting I couldn't deal with it, it was too overwhelming for me because I realized that that time that the brain disorders are a life journey, yeah it is for life. I sat down in the back (of course) and a smiley guy put a huge book in front of me, he asked for my name and wrote it down on a card that he placed in the table right in front of me; hmm very interesting I thought; an older lady told me that we were going to talk about the brain and then it hit me, I ended up going to the family to family education program... Oh God. Was it the wrong place at the wrong time or the right place at the right time? Everybody seem to be eager and happy to be there, so I stayed. Oh the bliss of ignorance. A young lady sat next to me and introduced herself, she inquired about my loved one with the brain disorder and I was very short. She said that her mom attempted 2 times and had severe depression and dad was drinking himself to death to void the situation. The class started, everybody read part of the book, the instructor went over each part and talked about specific cases and situations. He explained the parts of the brain and how they work, he also said that alcohol and drugs destroy the cells. Several times he expressed the importance of taking care of your brain with diet, exercise and of course staying away from drugs and alcohol. The lady next to me said that this guy's 21 year old son had been about 30 times in the hospital...  so the 1 hour meeting turned into a two and a half hour training. I noticed that I was massaging my hands and that I got the chest pain again, oh boy it's anxiety. I wanted to go home and I was very hungry, my brain was wondering. At 9 pm it stopped... everybody got up and started to mingle with their smiley faces. I headed to the door quickly, the young lady was walking right behind me: "I'm not following you I'm walking to my car" I tried to smile and say something but my voice broke "I don't think I'm prepared for this yet" I said. She told me to give it another chance, that it helps. I said good night and got inside my car and cried but it was more like a scream. On my way home I had a chance to think better, I'm going back next week.

I don't want to wait

I have the perception that we are always waiting for something to be truly happy... a new car, a new job, a new house or even a new love. I refuse to. I don't want to wait, I want to be happy now, RIGHT NOW.  It is amazing how ourselves sabotage our own happiness by desiring more and more. What happened to "count your blessings"?? Just look back and see where you came from? I am so bless to come from humble meanings because that always had helped me to put things into perspective. I don't want to wait until my big break comes to be happy. I just humbly ask God to let me enjoy this moment and to give me the strength whenever I need it. These last days I can tell something is going on with Alex, it's just a matter of time before I get that call, but I can't live with the fear falling me around like a shadow. I got her a Valentine's card that says we love her and we are praying for her. I've heard she is hanging with a younger kid and I've seen her posting on facebook at 3 or 4 am and her postings are odd. I pray God for serenity and strength. I know that I need to stay calm and keep moving. I was talking to banana the other day and I always try to tell her what a great kid she is and that appreciate everything she does ending always with a "I love you mija". I was almost tempted to tell her that Pepe (one of our dogs, her favorite) had a seizure during the week, I didn't because she is having her tests last week and I can tell she is stressed out, I just don't want to make it worse. I really hope she is not waiting for something else to come her way to be happy. I want her to laugh her heart out every opportunity that she has... like me... don't wait for anything that might never get here... just be happy with what you have right now, this single moment, one day at the time.

The Secret of Happiness

I had a great weekend, it was awesome. On Sunday the only thing that I did was to ride my bike... nothing else. It was cold and windy but that didn't matter. We started at 8:30 am and we were done after 4 pm. I was nervous at the beginning, I always get nervous; even before leaving the house I told Jeff where my car keys were and that I was parking my car at the bike shop. The cold wind slapped my face during the first few miles, my heart was racing, we had a tailwind going south and it was a blast. I met a chick from Brazil and a guy who went to the same college than my daughters 25 years ago. We ate spaghetti in our 30 mile rest stop. I was laughing and chatting and oh man I like to chat!. More than half the group had a ride back and only a handful headed back to the shop. Now the wind was in our face and it was cold :) I almost wanted to quit at mile 45 but I didn't, I was having a great time... once again lots of laughs. I wanted to quit again at mile 50 so I thought maybe Jeff can come up and pick me up but I was really having a good time... I just kept pedaling and laughing. I lived for that moment. Yeah, that was the secret, I LIVED for that moment. When I was in mile 57 I though I would be a fool to quit at that point, I can make it... I know I can. My heart was racing but also smiling because I've made it all the way back and not only that, I lived for that moment. I didn't think about the miserable year I had during 2011 or what I was going to do if Alex has a relapse tomorrow or the next month. I just enjoyed my ride like it was going to be the last thing I was going to do ever again; so there... now you know what is the secret of happiness.

My 3rd Al-Anon meeting

Finally, I made it to another meeting but this time something was different. I felt relieved and happy when it was over. The topic was "Reaching out". The common factor seems to be that every one of us try to be strong, fix things ourselves and go thru the days keeping and holding everything inside. We don't want to bother anybody, we don't want to be weak. A guy explained that when he gets a chance to help he is helping himself. A lady said to me that she will call me, an older lady told me about her daughter and her tribulations but also said that she is a happier person now and gets to go dancing, exercises and does all kind of stuff. I liked her :) A man suffers deeply because his daughter is also caught up in alcoholism, he smiled at me while he was saying how hard it is to detach but he also mentioned that he has to think about the rest of his family, he said that his daughter is now battling bulimia and that she made sure to let him know that it is because when she was little he told her "do not eat all that cake or you'll get fat",  talk about a guilt trip. When I hear these situations the message that I receive is that we all are in this together and there is hope at least for us and we are only responsible for ourselves. I received more than six hugs and sometimes that's the only thing I need. Something relevant is that two ladies asked me for banana and if she was doing ok back in college. Oh, it's amazing how everybody likes my daughter, she is such sweet, compassionate smart little lady, I thank God for her everyday.
Alex finally send me her bank statement because she needs money for her graduation ring, of course there are a ton of unnecessary  expenses and even a purchase on a liquor store. I sent the money to help her out but not what she was asking. I let her know that if she was going to need my financial help she was going to have to be accountable or I won't be able to help her any longer but I ended my note with a "we love you and we are praying for you". Jeff was very disappointed ...and the thought that he is giving up on Alex and even me is lingering in the back of my mind.
 I spoke to my mom and sister and told them I can't make it to the ceremony to take dad's ashes, a couple of things happened that tell me that right now is just a time to be still and wait.

When I leave

These last days I've been thinking about my dad and all the good times that we had together, I miss him so much but a part of me is starting to feel him around in all the good things, the beautiful things. I hope I can go to the ceremony that my sister is preparing to take his ashes to the bay of his beloved hometown. Also during these time Alex kept asking for money so I kept saying no. She was very angry when I said I couldn't pay for her graduation ring due to all the expenses I had with dad's death. I can tell she doesn't care how I feel and that she is only thinking of what she wants. She stopped taking her medications or some of them, we believe is because she wants to keep drinking, we all know that she shouldn't be drinking if she takes the amount of lithium that she has to take to help her stabilize her mood. I've heard relapses happen when patients stop their medications because they feel better and think they don't need them any more. It is scary but I know is a matter of time before something happens... I hope I'm wrong. I talked to her yesterday and told her how much I love her, that I want the best for her and that the only thing that I could leave to her when I leave from this world is to teach her to be a person of character, integrity and able to stand on her own feet which is the same and only thing that my father left to me. She didn't seem interested in having this conversation so I just said to her that we love her again and said good bye. I don't know what's going to happen but I feel that right now she needs to start taking care of herself and my loving gift to her is to leave alone, I really hope that I am right. I can't let the fear paralyze me I need to keep moving or I'll continue to die every day little by little. On Saturday and Sunday I pulled myself together and went for a ride. I feel much better during and after it, it's amazing. I am tired but somehow happy because I was able to complete a challenging 40 mile ride today.

Slowly but surely

Between blurry memories, work and spending time with my other kids (my 3 dogs) time passes. My head hurts because I'm trying not to cry during the day but sometimes I just do. I look at pictures over and over and I can't believe he is gone. I must accept it... I KNOW. "It is what it is" somebody says. "He had a good life". "He is with God now and pain free"... yeah I KNOW and I wish that could easy my pain. It will get better, I just need time... just give me some time. I haven't really had time to stop and be by myself and cry, my sister told me I need to stop crying so he can leave and rest in peace... "let him go" she said. I just miss him. He was funny and that is an understatement, he was hilarious!!!. He was 80 years old but in my mind I didn't look at him as an old man, he seemed so full of life; the cutest little old man in earth :) I have pictures of him as a baby, he was like a little angel with these big old blue eyes. I talked to his sister today, my aunt. She seems to be doing ok unlike my mom. My dad was 18 years older than mom, yup... he was 34 and she only 16 years old when they met; oh but make no mistake, she was and still is a spitfire :) when they got married, she wore a knee length BLACK dress during the church ceremony, maybe the Padre was hesitating between doing an exorcism or a wedding.. oh yeah and she was only 16; talk about a rebel LOL. They were married for over 47 years and in every picture together you can see how he adored this woman. Today mom went to see the doctor and explained to him that my dad passed away, the doctor responded: "don't worry, you will join him pretty soon", mom laughed and afterwards when she got home she cried. My oldest brother had to go to the hospital (again), I believe he is still in shock but I really don't know what's wrong with him, he is out of there now thou and hopefully for good. I guess we all have to go thru the motions until we make peace with what happened and regain the will to keep going. Jeff asked to me last night if something happens to me, if I'd like my daughters to stop living, of course no! I said. Once again he helped me to put things into perspective. Slowly but surely I want to ride my bike again... slowly but surely I want to smile again because my dad will be always a part of me and he is closer to me now than before.

Dad's lessons

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

Unlike the day that my dad died, the days are moving painfully slowly. So many thoughts run thru my head that it is so hard to keep up with all of them. My hands, wrist and hips are hurting again however I decided I was going to man up and stop my pity party. I will focus on the great memories that I have of my dad instead of the bad ones or the stuff that he had to go thru during his last moments. Everybody loved my dad and his big smile, his awesome sense of humor; in a nutshell I learned from him patience, kindness and integrity... he had the gift of living in the moment as well that's for sure. Many times he told me that my word was my bond and that I needed to work hard for I wanted. While I was going thru the motions during the funeral and its details I took time to check my emails and fb. Alex sent me an email telling me that he had an appointment to order her graduation ring and wrote in my fb wall that we needed to talk about finances and she needed some books. Not a word about my dad. I didn't reply. Before I left when I found out about dad, I was worried about her reaction, once again I was wrong because she didn't seem to be concerned about grandpa or me. Of course I will not hold it against her, it is the illness. I skipped today's Al-Anon meeting, I need time... Like Jeff says: it'll be alright honey, it'll be alright.

My dad, my hero.

I got a call on Wednesday's night from my little sister telling me that dad was going to have a surgery, 4 hours later she said he was ok but in critical condition I went to bed after midnight thinking that tomorrow he was going to be ok and he was thanks to God. He was awake and responding. Things took a turn for the worse after 10 am and by 10:30 he was gone. I rushed to the airport; the plane landed at 3:30 pm. It was like a dream, still is. The chapell was small and simple; he looked beautiful like an angel...of course it had a lot to do with my sister's choice of combination of flowers, casket and clothes. My chest was in pain, the pain that comes from the same place where I find my strength deep, deep inside. I adore my dad, he is my hero. He used to drink a bit too much, way too much. He stopped when I was 14 years old and never went back to alcohol, not once. I was raised going to Al-Ateen and Al-Anoon meetings, it was fun in a funky way. He would make anything fun no matter what. In our culture we stay with the body until he is buried or cremated, people came and left until about 2 or 3 am; my sister, her friend and myself stayed until the next day. I slept on the soft chair about 5 feet away from my dad, when I opened my eyes around 5 or 6 am I realized I was not dreaming and I cried again. My sis got up and hugged me..."his mouth is changing color" I said, she told me: "it's only the light don't worry". The Padre showed after 10 am and explained how my dad was on a better place now and pain free, I want to feel better but I can't help to think how much I already miss him. My mom seems to be ok, I thought I was going to help her stay strong but I just can't. Before he was taken a mariachi came, the old songs sounded melancholic and sad like never before. My oldest brother was crying like a kid and put a letter that his little girl wrote for grandpa inside the gasket and I almost fainted. My dad's sister was surprised how much her brother was loved, she seemed sad but very proud... She told the three of us that he died a happy man and in peace surrounded by love. I want to feel better but I am just too sad right now, I miss him too much and I can't believe that he is gone.

Having fun with the mood ring

Last night I was checking Alex's bedroom now that she is gone. I was surprised that she didn't take her rat Lizzie with her; months ago she convinced the housing department at her college that Lizzie was a therapeutic pet and she needed it since it was part of her recovery.  She is actually considered a disable student at her school. There were piles of dirty blankets and towels and a mood ring caught my attention in the restroom, yup a robot mood ring. I tried it on and I thought it was kind of cool and funny :) I decided to wear it to work. During my drive I looked at it and the color was so neat that I took a picture. During the day I got several text messages from Alex telling me where she was and what she was doing. I replied each of them with a simple OK. At work I looked at the ring thru the day (even during a meeting) and I was amazed how it changed its colors. I like coming home during my lunch to see my other kids (my 3 dogs that I lovingly call them my bitches and hoes) the ring kept smiling at me and I kept taking more pics. After work I got the last message from Alex telling me that she had cried during the drive to school and that she love me and needed to talk to me as soon as she was settled on her apartment, I replied: I love u too. She called expecting me to be worried (like always) and inquiring what's wrong? did you take your meds? are you ok? instead she got a "what's up!". I guess she was surprised and only said that everything was fine. We talked but didn't get into anything deep or complicated; I didn't want to hear it. My father is in the hospital and not doing so good and this is taking most of my thoughts right now.

My second Al-Anon meeting

I was looking forward to my second Al-anon meeting, I wanted to have an open heart and I was really hoping that Banana would benefit from it. I think it went well even thou she thought they talked too much and said too little or maybe she just had a hard time understanding. They gave us the book "Courage to Change" and we loved that, it's a pretty neat little book. Banana liked the people there and we talked about judging others; we had a deep conversation about it. We talked how we used to judge others when we knew something like drugs or alcohol was going on in their lives and now, how when we try to share our situation with a relative or a friend we recognize the same look we used to have, the get-the-hell-away-from-me look or even the what-the-hell-did-you-do-to-deserve-this look... yeah funny right? sometimes is much better to share this information with a complete stranger because you know that you won't be judge by somebody you love or care about.
 Alex left, she didn't want to be here with us any more. She found a ride to college and she left with her friend; the same friend she stayed with when didn't make it home and pretended that she had sent me a text message the night before telling me it was too late to make to home and she was staying at her friend's, I received the text message at 9 am the following morning....yeah very creative. Yesterday when she was leaving, she asked me to transfer some money from her savings account, I said ok. Thanks God I still have control of this money, I worry that she will have enough money for when the health insurance tries to withdraw the monthly payment. Paying for a weekly therapist and monthly psychiatrist plus medications doesn't come cheap without it, I really wish she would understand that; maybe she does but just doesn't care. Somehow I'm not upset, sad or relieved, right now I'm just in peace and trying to focus on this very moment. During the meeting somebody said "some problems are not meant to be solved" maybe this is the case... I will sit back and watch since there's nothing much I can do right now.

Looking for something to remind me

It was an ok day today, nothing mayor besides a not-so-good ride. I deal with pain in my hands, knees and hips due to arthritis, also I have a heart condition and during today's ride I had chest pain, probably I'm fine and I just had an anxiety attack as Jeff thinks (he is my fiancé and he deserves a whole complete chapter) so I will be seeing my cardiologist pretty soon. Ruining my friend's ride made me very sad since we had to go back all because of me... There was a time when I'd do a ride like this with my eyes closed and enjoy it... not any more. After the ride Alex suggested to go to the movies, I thought it was a great idea and off we went. After the movie she tells me that she wants to leave to college on Wednesday, almost a week before classes start and that she was leaving the day before heading to school and stay at her friend's. I know what they do when she sleeps over at her friend's place, I know it in my heart and I also know why she is in such a hurry to go back. I just glanced at her and I said ok. I looked on the Internet for some type of daily reminder of how I need to handle the situations, maybe prayers, readings or something else... I'm glad Tuesday is getting closer and I will get to go to the meeting with Banana, my youngest daughter. I worry that she is trying to compensate for Alex behavior and I asked if she would go with me... She said yes and that makes me very happy.

One day at the time (Cherist the good days)

I am coming to the conclusion that it is true... you have to live one day at the time. Today was a good day not only because Alex was in a good mood but because I had a chance to ride again, the cold weather didn't even bother me because I decided I was going to have a good time. I went to my regular 35-40 mile Saturday ride while Alex and Banana went to the science museum, sorry I can't do museums... they are boring. During the ride once again I caught myself thinking about the future and what I'm supposed to do and about all possible outcomes, fear starts crawling back again in my spine and go to my head, my left hand start hurting and I am unable to shift to the big ring. I tried three times. I decided to live for this day only and stayed in the back of the pack like always. After my ride, I came home and watched the movie "Soul Surfer"; a couple of tears rolled down my face moved by the courage of this beautiful strong young woman who loves surfing and lost her arm to a shark attack. All that she thinks is getting back in the water and surf again. She tells her youth pastor "I don't believe that this is what God wants for me"; the pastor answers "I don't know why terrible things happen but I believe something good will come out of this". The movie is based on a true story. I believe that everything will be OK and that something good will come out of this. I plan to ride tomorrow again. I'll experiment a more challenging pace.

Awesome Thursday ride...

After work I took my bike and met with friends at 6:30 pm. It was a beautiful afternoon with an unusual 65F and no wind. I felt good, nothing hurt and even my friend Joel said that I was on a roll last night because I was laughing and joking around, it's been a while since I was like that... I remembered me. Wheels rolled down, the wind hitting my face but there were no tears this time like my New year's ride. I love riding my bike I can't stressed that enough. Later during the ride I caught myself thinking about Alex again "what if... she doesn't recover? she falls again? she kills herself?. STOP, just STOP!!! Tonight it's about me, I need to be OK to help them (Alex, Banana, Jeff, my parents and my 3 dogs)". I looked a the pack and kept peddling. We were back around 8:25 pm at the parking lot, put up my bike and went to get Alex at her AA meeting. On our way back she said that she saw her ex-sponsor, Marylin told her that only she could help herself. Alex told her that she was not an alcoholic that she didn't get in trouble or anything... I didn't do anything illegal she said. GULP! my heart shrunk again; it was my turn to talk; I saw you... you were out of control and you don't remember what you did. The fact that you can't stop means that you have a problem but you have to accept that you are powerless against alcohol, I can't do it for you. I accept that I am powerless as your mom to do that for you and it is my decision not to enable your behavior because this I can control. We got home, she came out of her room and ate, she asked me if it would be ok to go to the zoo the next day and I said that I don't have a problem giving her money to do that with Banana (her little sister who is 18 years old)... Alex is 21 years old and doesn't have a job so we pay for her medical bills and expenses. Anyways... I had a great ride last night! for some reason I didn't have pain on my hands, knees or back, it was a great ride, thank you God.

The three C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it and I can't Control it

I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night. I refused to read from the book but I still decided to stay. After few minutes I heard several cases, some of them coming from other parents with kids that have addictions and underlying mental illness like mine. When it was my turn I took a deep breath and told them how my daughter has 4 attempts of suicide and how she spent almost 2 months on a mental hospital plus one week in ICU. I could barely speak and kept saying that I know everything is in God's hands now but you could tell how painful it was for me to let go and really honestly leave things in God's hands. I mentioned my love to ride my bike and how even to do this is becoming almost impossible for me because I am so tired... I said that I'm falling on this bottomless hole unable to stop. One man talked about the three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. This stuck in my head and kept resonating on my way home. I think I am going back next week and tomorrow I will get in my bike and go for a ride.

Happy New Year 2012

I'm going to start with my New Year's day. It was the first time I saw my daughter drunk and unable to walk. She said she was sorry and I believed it, I had to. She cried and asked me to hold her and stay with her questioning me if I knew what I was to go to bed every day waiting to die, I said: I'm sorry... I don't know, I love my life. I pulled a knife off her hand, she was moving so slow that she didn't stand a chance. After vomiting she passed out; it was 5 am when I went to sleep thinking: Happy New Year to me. The night before we went to a New Year's service and the pastor had talked about how we must trust God while I was thinking "I can't wait to leave 2011 behind".  After this incident I can see it is not about the year... I must trust God. It is the only way I can go to bed at night and sleep, after putting my daughter in God's hand that morning it was the only way I could breathe, stop shaking and go to bed at 5 am in New Year's day. I got up at 7 am and went for my 20 mile bike ride with a group of friends, tears rolled down a couple times but I tried hard to concentrate in the road instead.