Adding a new word to my vocabulary: shortcoming

 

short·com·ing Noun:  a failure, defect, or deficiency in conduct, condition, thought, ability, etc

Today was a rainy day and there was not a chance for a bike ride and I decided to go to the Saturday Al-anon meeting. Today's reading was about tolerating others and recognizing our own shortcomings; when it was my turn to talk I looked at them with a dumb face and said that I didn't understand the word "shortcoming". A couple of of members mumbled some definitions but since my first language is not English, I still had a problem visualizing the meaning in my head and I passed. The young lady sitting next to me was very open and honest to express how she felt about her lack of tolerance to others, most of them talked about being critical or judging others but in my case I am passed that. I used to think that mental illness, drugs and alcohol happened only to other people, maybe ignorant or immoral... not to me, not to my family, now I only feel a deep sympathy for people struggling with any of these terrible situations and I hope others can show some compassion to my daughter and my family. After everybody talked I raised my hand and said I wanted to add something else... oh boy... the word had a meaning now and I knew what my biggest "shortcoming" was: fear. Because of the terrible things that had happened to me and the girls during the last years since my divorce, I grew a fear to the uncertain that it's been getting worse during the last year when Alex went for the first time to the hospital. The fear that cripples and paralyzes you, the fear of getting the expected unexpected call during the night telling you that something terrible has happened, the fear of getting hit by a car during my bike ride, my mind playing tricks telling me that God will punish me, my imagination telling me that the big black bird showed up that morning bringing bad news... I ended up saying that after coming to the meetings I realize that it is on me, I am the one that suffers for something that hasn't happened and might never do. Today I will seek to correct my biggest shortcoming: fear.