The lingering fear again

The last days have been pretty good, every time I spoke with Alex she picked up the phone and sounded pretty alert. I rode my bike Saturday and Sunday and I felt good, my muscles are building up and it is not so painful any more since I got the new handle bars, the weather couldn't be more perfect everything was just great I even felt more energized and I didn't really had to take a nap after the rides. The bluebonnets are blooming and the scenery is beautiful when we ride by the fields full of them. The sun it's very bright. The only thing that messed up this beautiful weekend was a call after 11 pm but I didn't hear the phone, neither my cell phone. I remember waking up and thinking there was something wrong with the answer machine and turned off. I was half asleep and I didn't see the missed call from Alex, I went back to bed. When I woke up this morning I realized what had happened and my heart stopped, she called and I didn't answer and mostly what happened?... will she be ok? is she in the hospital again? did she need to talk? should I call now?... promptly I went online and read new post in her facebook, she posted that she had an allergic reaction to powder paint? wth is that? and once again I have to listened to Jeff telling how she needs to do this or that and I just nod, thinking to myself that this is getting old. I saw that she was up and called her, she is doing better and didn't need to go to the hospital, I feel much better now, relieved but my jaws are still clenching because of the tension... and the fear lingers around again. Today I have the NAMI session, I hope this helps.

Today I was looking back at my pain

This morning I was checking some stuff that I've written last October when I was still trying to make sense of things; this one reminded me how sometimes we are into our own pain and it is just too hard to see ahead of us. The 2 person who asked me for help were my two daughters and I just froze, I was actually not able to help but I forgave myself and moved on. The picture I posted is a walk with a close friend after a bike ride we did together after I visited Alex in the psych hospital when she was committed for the first time, I was heart broken. This is what I wrote:
 

Last night a got a second request to help... usually I'm pretty good at helping or giving advice, usually I know what to say and I'd like to think that I can make things better or have some sense; not any more. I was asked to help another mother, and the person who asked said: "just tell her what you did to help the situation, to deal with it or to see the signs, tell her what you did", the second person asked: "do you remember how we got over the anger and fear? what did we do?, I just need to know what to tell my friend so she can get over this". The truth is... I don't remember. What I remember is the sharp pain that still lingers under my skin, I remember the fear like what I imagine being inside a tank of starving sharks and just waiting for my body to be tear apart... that's what I remember. I remember that the body goes on a numb mode but within inside you find the strength to keep moving because you have many reasons to do so and mostly because you are not a quitter;  you reach out, educate yourself and somehow you overcome the fear and learn to let go of the control and face the battle with tears in your face, the pain and fear still lingering inside but you are more aware, you understand little by little what you are against to. After that you make peace with the situation and learn to live one day at the time. I don't know if I can help, maybe I'm the one who needs the help... what I found out is that sometimes the best thing to do is just to be quiet, sit down and watch ... praying...and sometimes you got to pull yourself together and reach out so you don't let go ...at least not without fighting back... also praying.

Leaving the 24 hour chip behind

After a long chat with Alex about her illness on Wednesday, she still left home on Thursday. My level of anxiety increased a big deal, I even thought she might have taken off to another city where her friends were meeting to party. After she was gone I went into her room like I always do... in the top of my father's "Big Book" was her 24 hour recovery chip. I put it in my pocket and walked out of the room; now it's in my purse next to the little wooden cross that my dad gave me. I keep praying for her but I can still feel the pain in my jaws because of the stress and tension in my body. I tried to called her but no answer, I was going to trace her cell phone that same night to see if she had lied to me but then I thought that there was no point on doing that and I went to bed, I prayed to God to give me the strength to let go and put her on His hands. This is her second 24 hour chip, she gave away the first one that she received to a friend who was going thru a hard time, she relapsed when she turned 21 last November after that. On Friday Banana recommended to go out and eat Indian food and we had a great time, never imagined that it will be that delicious. I had a chance to ride with Banana on Saturday, we did the St Patrick's parade ride and it was a ton of fun, except for being stung by a bee in my left eye while we were riding back, it was painful but I was man enough to finish the ride :) Today I had another opportunity to ride, a little bit of rain but somehow I managed to keep up and complete the ride now I'm very sore... I found new muscles since JT (the guy from the bike shop) has been working with my bike. I hope I'm going to get stronger now with this changes, the same way that I'm getting stronger with the NAMI and Al-Alanon groups.

Learing to use the I-statement

It's been a hard week and it is only Thursday. I'm staying strong, I need to. It's been hard not only because I haven't ride my bike and Rocky is still recovering from his eye surgery but also because I realize that things are not going well with my Alex. Besides the ups and downs during the days, yesterday we got a letter from her psychiatrist advising that he won't be able to treat her any more due to her lack of compliance. In my heart I knew something was wrong with her, I can tell... I saw a new 3 inch scar on her right wrist, it is a new one, I was able to see was left of some old ones. Of course Jeff was upset and frustrated about losing this doctor, he worries about Alex and he thinks this doctor is really good. Moving forward, today I will be on my search for a new doctor. After the little drama last night, I took Alex to eat pancakes, they were huge :). We talked a lot, she told me that for some reason something changed on me, she said that I was more open now and I listen to her. Almost at the end,  I used the I-statements that I learned last Monday in NAMI several times. I told her it was very difficult for me to help her out when she is not following thru with her treatment, I said that I needed to know if she misses an appointment or stops taking her meds but the more powerful I-statement was: "If at any point I see that you are a danger to yourself, even if you get angry and don't talk to me ever again... I will get a warrant and have you committed to a psyc hospital, believe me I  won't blink to do this because I love you". She cried.

Sometimes it gets more difficult than others

The girls are here for spring break but this weekend is not what I expected. It's been raining and I wasn't able to ride my bike and that stresses me out but the real downer is that Alex has been acting up.  She wants to leave with friends to spend the last days of spring break with friends... with no-good-news-friends but she needs money and I said NO sorry I don't have any money... of course she got upset and we know how that goes. I was hoping that she will have a moment of clarity so I could talk to her and explain why I thought that was not a good idea. I went to my room to take a shower but not after I opened my "Courage to Change" book and prayed. After a few minutes she went to her room and texted me, we exchanged few messages while I was thinking to go to her room and talk to her in person but seemed that it was the only way she "listened" to me... and it worked. We decided to go ahead and have a good time together, just the three of us. Her, Banana and me. We had a good time after all. I tried my best to reach to her and I saw a lot of anger, desperation and jealousy. My hear breaks and once again I tried to tell her that life is too short and she will better off letting go of those bad feelings. I tried to tell her she is better when she takes her meds, I tried to tell her that one day I won't be here to look after her and I love her more than anything else but I can't approve or enable inappropriate behavior. I tried a lot today and sometimes things just get more difficult than others but it is what it is and I'm learning to live this way just one day at the time.

Tired in a good way

It was a perfect weekend not only because I was able to ride both days and because the weather was beautiful but also because I had a conversation during my Saturday ride with a friend that made me realized and appreciate that even thou Alex has a brain disorder and she's been thru a lot she is still trying to one day graduate from college; it is hard for a "normal" person to do so and I can only imagine my daughter's struggle trying to keep up and I admire her for that. Another highlight of my weekend is that Banana had a bike crash and cracked her helmet; her sister (Alex) found a ride for her and took her to the hospital, I was fixing to get ready and drive over 3 hours there  to see how she was doing but Alex did a great job keeping us in the loop and that was awesome, I made sure to tell her I was very thankful that she was there with her and for her. Banana was released and thanks God, no broken bones or major injuries, only a concussion, needless to say... it was very scary.  I prayed to God for serenity and strength, time seemed to stop until I was told that she was OK. A friend told me that I used up a lot of adrenaline with Banana's issue and that's why I was low in energy during today's ride. I still had a great time. Rocky's eye looks great and he is already wanting to go with the other dogs so I finally slept on a bed in the actual bedroom :). I am very tired... but in a good way.

There is always the next ride

I went to the NAMI class on Monday and oh boy... it is still much more that I can handle. It is a lot of information. Class 6 was about Medications. It is not only too complicated but it is hard for my mind to understand that a mental ill person needs medication, maybe it is a cultural thing... back home there isn't a name for every brain disorder, we will usually say the the person is either "sick of the nerves" or crazy. This is the main reason I felt so guilty when Alex went to the hospital for the first time and I had to start learning more about this kind of stuff which by the way, I've always said that this is the kind of things that happens to other people, not to me, not to my family... but here we are. Anyways, I'm keeping an open mind. I try to learn and follow as much as I can. I called Alex and asked her what she was taking now after she stopped taking the Lithium, she gave me the names and looked it up... oh joy.

On Tuesday one of my dogs (Rocky) had to have his little eye removed and I missed my Al-anon meeting. Everything went very well with Rocky; he just needs a lot of attention so I'm sleeping with him on another room so the other two dogs won't bother him and also I can assist him changing position because he is in a lot of pain and wearing a cone. The poor thing :) At work there were a couple of emergencies and we've been short handed, much more than usual and I feel tired. I decided I can't ride tonight, not only because I'm tired but because I need to take care of Rocky and help Jeff with the other two dogs since they are very needy and have anxiety for being separated from Rocky :). I will ride my bike on Saturday and Sunday, the weather forecast looks awesome. Like I always say..."There is always the next ride"...