When I leave

These last days I've been thinking about my dad and all the good times that we had together, I miss him so much but a part of me is starting to feel him around in all the good things, the beautiful things. I hope I can go to the ceremony that my sister is preparing to take his ashes to the bay of his beloved hometown. Also during these time Alex kept asking for money so I kept saying no. She was very angry when I said I couldn't pay for her graduation ring due to all the expenses I had with dad's death. I can tell she doesn't care how I feel and that she is only thinking of what she wants. She stopped taking her medications or some of them, we believe is because she wants to keep drinking, we all know that she shouldn't be drinking if she takes the amount of lithium that she has to take to help her stabilize her mood. I've heard relapses happen when patients stop their medications because they feel better and think they don't need them any more. It is scary but I know is a matter of time before something happens... I hope I'm wrong. I talked to her yesterday and told her how much I love her, that I want the best for her and that the only thing that I could leave to her when I leave from this world is to teach her to be a person of character, integrity and able to stand on her own feet which is the same and only thing that my father left to me. She didn't seem interested in having this conversation so I just said to her that we love her again and said good bye. I don't know what's going to happen but I feel that right now she needs to start taking care of herself and my loving gift to her is to leave alone, I really hope that I am right. I can't let the fear paralyze me I need to keep moving or I'll continue to die every day little by little. On Saturday and Sunday I pulled myself together and went for a ride. I feel much better during and after it, it's amazing. I am tired but somehow happy because I was able to complete a challenging 40 mile ride today.

Slowly but surely

Between blurry memories, work and spending time with my other kids (my 3 dogs) time passes. My head hurts because I'm trying not to cry during the day but sometimes I just do. I look at pictures over and over and I can't believe he is gone. I must accept it... I KNOW. "It is what it is" somebody says. "He had a good life". "He is with God now and pain free"... yeah I KNOW and I wish that could easy my pain. It will get better, I just need time... just give me some time. I haven't really had time to stop and be by myself and cry, my sister told me I need to stop crying so he can leave and rest in peace... "let him go" she said. I just miss him. He was funny and that is an understatement, he was hilarious!!!. He was 80 years old but in my mind I didn't look at him as an old man, he seemed so full of life; the cutest little old man in earth :) I have pictures of him as a baby, he was like a little angel with these big old blue eyes. I talked to his sister today, my aunt. She seems to be doing ok unlike my mom. My dad was 18 years older than mom, yup... he was 34 and she only 16 years old when they met; oh but make no mistake, she was and still is a spitfire :) when they got married, she wore a knee length BLACK dress during the church ceremony, maybe the Padre was hesitating between doing an exorcism or a wedding.. oh yeah and she was only 16; talk about a rebel LOL. They were married for over 47 years and in every picture together you can see how he adored this woman. Today mom went to see the doctor and explained to him that my dad passed away, the doctor responded: "don't worry, you will join him pretty soon", mom laughed and afterwards when she got home she cried. My oldest brother had to go to the hospital (again), I believe he is still in shock but I really don't know what's wrong with him, he is out of there now thou and hopefully for good. I guess we all have to go thru the motions until we make peace with what happened and regain the will to keep going. Jeff asked to me last night if something happens to me, if I'd like my daughters to stop living, of course no! I said. Once again he helped me to put things into perspective. Slowly but surely I want to ride my bike again... slowly but surely I want to smile again because my dad will be always a part of me and he is closer to me now than before.

Dad's lessons

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

Unlike the day that my dad died, the days are moving painfully slowly. So many thoughts run thru my head that it is so hard to keep up with all of them. My hands, wrist and hips are hurting again however I decided I was going to man up and stop my pity party. I will focus on the great memories that I have of my dad instead of the bad ones or the stuff that he had to go thru during his last moments. Everybody loved my dad and his big smile, his awesome sense of humor; in a nutshell I learned from him patience, kindness and integrity... he had the gift of living in the moment as well that's for sure. Many times he told me that my word was my bond and that I needed to work hard for I wanted. While I was going thru the motions during the funeral and its details I took time to check my emails and fb. Alex sent me an email telling me that he had an appointment to order her graduation ring and wrote in my fb wall that we needed to talk about finances and she needed some books. Not a word about my dad. I didn't reply. Before I left when I found out about dad, I was worried about her reaction, once again I was wrong because she didn't seem to be concerned about grandpa or me. Of course I will not hold it against her, it is the illness. I skipped today's Al-Anon meeting, I need time... Like Jeff says: it'll be alright honey, it'll be alright.

My dad, my hero.

I got a call on Wednesday's night from my little sister telling me that dad was going to have a surgery, 4 hours later she said he was ok but in critical condition I went to bed after midnight thinking that tomorrow he was going to be ok and he was thanks to God. He was awake and responding. Things took a turn for the worse after 10 am and by 10:30 he was gone. I rushed to the airport; the plane landed at 3:30 pm. It was like a dream, still is. The chapell was small and simple; he looked beautiful like an angel...of course it had a lot to do with my sister's choice of combination of flowers, casket and clothes. My chest was in pain, the pain that comes from the same place where I find my strength deep, deep inside. I adore my dad, he is my hero. He used to drink a bit too much, way too much. He stopped when I was 14 years old and never went back to alcohol, not once. I was raised going to Al-Ateen and Al-Anoon meetings, it was fun in a funky way. He would make anything fun no matter what. In our culture we stay with the body until he is buried or cremated, people came and left until about 2 or 3 am; my sister, her friend and myself stayed until the next day. I slept on the soft chair about 5 feet away from my dad, when I opened my eyes around 5 or 6 am I realized I was not dreaming and I cried again. My sis got up and hugged me..."his mouth is changing color" I said, she told me: "it's only the light don't worry". The Padre showed after 10 am and explained how my dad was on a better place now and pain free, I want to feel better but I can't help to think how much I already miss him. My mom seems to be ok, I thought I was going to help her stay strong but I just can't. Before he was taken a mariachi came, the old songs sounded melancholic and sad like never before. My oldest brother was crying like a kid and put a letter that his little girl wrote for grandpa inside the gasket and I almost fainted. My dad's sister was surprised how much her brother was loved, she seemed sad but very proud... She told the three of us that he died a happy man and in peace surrounded by love. I want to feel better but I am just too sad right now, I miss him too much and I can't believe that he is gone.

Having fun with the mood ring

Last night I was checking Alex's bedroom now that she is gone. I was surprised that she didn't take her rat Lizzie with her; months ago she convinced the housing department at her college that Lizzie was a therapeutic pet and she needed it since it was part of her recovery.  She is actually considered a disable student at her school. There were piles of dirty blankets and towels and a mood ring caught my attention in the restroom, yup a robot mood ring. I tried it on and I thought it was kind of cool and funny :) I decided to wear it to work. During my drive I looked at it and the color was so neat that I took a picture. During the day I got several text messages from Alex telling me where she was and what she was doing. I replied each of them with a simple OK. At work I looked at the ring thru the day (even during a meeting) and I was amazed how it changed its colors. I like coming home during my lunch to see my other kids (my 3 dogs that I lovingly call them my bitches and hoes) the ring kept smiling at me and I kept taking more pics. After work I got the last message from Alex telling me that she had cried during the drive to school and that she love me and needed to talk to me as soon as she was settled on her apartment, I replied: I love u too. She called expecting me to be worried (like always) and inquiring what's wrong? did you take your meds? are you ok? instead she got a "what's up!". I guess she was surprised and only said that everything was fine. We talked but didn't get into anything deep or complicated; I didn't want to hear it. My father is in the hospital and not doing so good and this is taking most of my thoughts right now.

My second Al-Anon meeting

I was looking forward to my second Al-anon meeting, I wanted to have an open heart and I was really hoping that Banana would benefit from it. I think it went well even thou she thought they talked too much and said too little or maybe she just had a hard time understanding. They gave us the book "Courage to Change" and we loved that, it's a pretty neat little book. Banana liked the people there and we talked about judging others; we had a deep conversation about it. We talked how we used to judge others when we knew something like drugs or alcohol was going on in their lives and now, how when we try to share our situation with a relative or a friend we recognize the same look we used to have, the get-the-hell-away-from-me look or even the what-the-hell-did-you-do-to-deserve-this look... yeah funny right? sometimes is much better to share this information with a complete stranger because you know that you won't be judge by somebody you love or care about.
 Alex left, she didn't want to be here with us any more. She found a ride to college and she left with her friend; the same friend she stayed with when didn't make it home and pretended that she had sent me a text message the night before telling me it was too late to make to home and she was staying at her friend's, I received the text message at 9 am the following morning....yeah very creative. Yesterday when she was leaving, she asked me to transfer some money from her savings account, I said ok. Thanks God I still have control of this money, I worry that she will have enough money for when the health insurance tries to withdraw the monthly payment. Paying for a weekly therapist and monthly psychiatrist plus medications doesn't come cheap without it, I really wish she would understand that; maybe she does but just doesn't care. Somehow I'm not upset, sad or relieved, right now I'm just in peace and trying to focus on this very moment. During the meeting somebody said "some problems are not meant to be solved" maybe this is the case... I will sit back and watch since there's nothing much I can do right now.

Looking for something to remind me

It was an ok day today, nothing mayor besides a not-so-good ride. I deal with pain in my hands, knees and hips due to arthritis, also I have a heart condition and during today's ride I had chest pain, probably I'm fine and I just had an anxiety attack as Jeff thinks (he is my fiancé and he deserves a whole complete chapter) so I will be seeing my cardiologist pretty soon. Ruining my friend's ride made me very sad since we had to go back all because of me... There was a time when I'd do a ride like this with my eyes closed and enjoy it... not any more. After the ride Alex suggested to go to the movies, I thought it was a great idea and off we went. After the movie she tells me that she wants to leave to college on Wednesday, almost a week before classes start and that she was leaving the day before heading to school and stay at her friend's. I know what they do when she sleeps over at her friend's place, I know it in my heart and I also know why she is in such a hurry to go back. I just glanced at her and I said ok. I looked on the Internet for some type of daily reminder of how I need to handle the situations, maybe prayers, readings or something else... I'm glad Tuesday is getting closer and I will get to go to the meeting with Banana, my youngest daughter. I worry that she is trying to compensate for Alex behavior and I asked if she would go with me... She said yes and that makes me very happy.

One day at the time (Cherist the good days)

I am coming to the conclusion that it is true... you have to live one day at the time. Today was a good day not only because Alex was in a good mood but because I had a chance to ride again, the cold weather didn't even bother me because I decided I was going to have a good time. I went to my regular 35-40 mile Saturday ride while Alex and Banana went to the science museum, sorry I can't do museums... they are boring. During the ride once again I caught myself thinking about the future and what I'm supposed to do and about all possible outcomes, fear starts crawling back again in my spine and go to my head, my left hand start hurting and I am unable to shift to the big ring. I tried three times. I decided to live for this day only and stayed in the back of the pack like always. After my ride, I came home and watched the movie "Soul Surfer"; a couple of tears rolled down my face moved by the courage of this beautiful strong young woman who loves surfing and lost her arm to a shark attack. All that she thinks is getting back in the water and surf again. She tells her youth pastor "I don't believe that this is what God wants for me"; the pastor answers "I don't know why terrible things happen but I believe something good will come out of this". The movie is based on a true story. I believe that everything will be OK and that something good will come out of this. I plan to ride tomorrow again. I'll experiment a more challenging pace.

Awesome Thursday ride...

After work I took my bike and met with friends at 6:30 pm. It was a beautiful afternoon with an unusual 65F and no wind. I felt good, nothing hurt and even my friend Joel said that I was on a roll last night because I was laughing and joking around, it's been a while since I was like that... I remembered me. Wheels rolled down, the wind hitting my face but there were no tears this time like my New year's ride. I love riding my bike I can't stressed that enough. Later during the ride I caught myself thinking about Alex again "what if... she doesn't recover? she falls again? she kills herself?. STOP, just STOP!!! Tonight it's about me, I need to be OK to help them (Alex, Banana, Jeff, my parents and my 3 dogs)". I looked a the pack and kept peddling. We were back around 8:25 pm at the parking lot, put up my bike and went to get Alex at her AA meeting. On our way back she said that she saw her ex-sponsor, Marylin told her that only she could help herself. Alex told her that she was not an alcoholic that she didn't get in trouble or anything... I didn't do anything illegal she said. GULP! my heart shrunk again; it was my turn to talk; I saw you... you were out of control and you don't remember what you did. The fact that you can't stop means that you have a problem but you have to accept that you are powerless against alcohol, I can't do it for you. I accept that I am powerless as your mom to do that for you and it is my decision not to enable your behavior because this I can control. We got home, she came out of her room and ate, she asked me if it would be ok to go to the zoo the next day and I said that I don't have a problem giving her money to do that with Banana (her little sister who is 18 years old)... Alex is 21 years old and doesn't have a job so we pay for her medical bills and expenses. Anyways... I had a great ride last night! for some reason I didn't have pain on my hands, knees or back, it was a great ride, thank you God.

The three C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it and I can't Control it

I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night. I refused to read from the book but I still decided to stay. After few minutes I heard several cases, some of them coming from other parents with kids that have addictions and underlying mental illness like mine. When it was my turn I took a deep breath and told them how my daughter has 4 attempts of suicide and how she spent almost 2 months on a mental hospital plus one week in ICU. I could barely speak and kept saying that I know everything is in God's hands now but you could tell how painful it was for me to let go and really honestly leave things in God's hands. I mentioned my love to ride my bike and how even to do this is becoming almost impossible for me because I am so tired... I said that I'm falling on this bottomless hole unable to stop. One man talked about the three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. This stuck in my head and kept resonating on my way home. I think I am going back next week and tomorrow I will get in my bike and go for a ride.

Happy New Year 2012

I'm going to start with my New Year's day. It was the first time I saw my daughter drunk and unable to walk. She said she was sorry and I believed it, I had to. She cried and asked me to hold her and stay with her questioning me if I knew what I was to go to bed every day waiting to die, I said: I'm sorry... I don't know, I love my life. I pulled a knife off her hand, she was moving so slow that she didn't stand a chance. After vomiting she passed out; it was 5 am when I went to sleep thinking: Happy New Year to me. The night before we went to a New Year's service and the pastor had talked about how we must trust God while I was thinking "I can't wait to leave 2011 behind".  After this incident I can see it is not about the year... I must trust God. It is the only way I can go to bed at night and sleep, after putting my daughter in God's hand that morning it was the only way I could breathe, stop shaking and go to bed at 5 am in New Year's day. I got up at 7 am and went for my 20 mile bike ride with a group of friends, tears rolled down a couple times but I tried hard to concentrate in the road instead.