Once a Dragon Lady

Yesterday ride was great but 20 miles short of what I've planned for. I was looking forward to ride with the fast guys even thou I knew I was going to be beat to a pulp... but didn't happened. A few of the riders that were going to try as well decided not to at the last minute and of course I didn't want to be the weakest link (again) so I rode another ride/route instead but I told myself that I needed to get better so can ride with them the next time... I can do this because I love challenges and as Alex used to called me I am the dragon lady :)

Alex was in high school when she used to call me the "Dragon Lady"...she did because when I was practicing martial arts (I was one step from being a black belt so I was pretty serious about it) I got myself a tattoo of a dragon in my ankle. One of the topics of and essay that she wrote to get into college was titled "My Warrior, My Mother, My Hero" and started with this paragraph:

There are times in which I love her, and times in which I hate her. Some days I call her “Dragon lady”, and other’s I call her “Mom”. My mother is loving, caring, tough, and strong. She stands up for what is right, and refuses to be silenced. My mother is a warrior, and I am her student.

 I remember tears coming down my face and how proud I felt back in that moment. Of course she got into college and that was great, but I was more proud of the fact that I was sure that she was becoming the person of integrity and character that I wanted for both my daughters and I still do because I refuse to give up that dream. These last days I've seen Alex posting odd status on facebook and also she's been sleeping when I call her during the day. Last night she wrote something about piercing herself and I felt that tug in my heart again. As per the training that I'm taking, I'm putting together a "crisis folder" with all the information that we might need at any time if God forbid there is a crisis. This is the smart think to do for now. I'm not giving up on her or my riding because once a dragon lady, always a dragon lady.

Forcing myself

After work I had to sit down and meditate because my heart started racing with the thought of going back to my second session of the NAMI Family to Family Education Program. I know that this is opening new doors for some stuff that I rather not to know but I promised myself that I was going back, I had to force myself to go back. I love my daughter and I need to know what I'm against to. I sit in the same chair and open the big book on Class 5, it read "Problem Solving Skills Workshop". As an exercise we had to write 5 problem statements and then read the top 2, mine were that Alex had stopped taking her meds and that she tries to hurt herself when she is depressed. The instructor picked a case of a lady that has a severely depressed husband, so depressed that he doesn't get up from bed. Everybody participated helping to identify the real problem; the lady's "top problems" ended up not being the real problem but her emotional perception of it. Seeing how to look for the real problem without emotion gives you a new meaning of the situation and provides you with more ideas how to attack it... I got to say that this time I didn't get tired, bored or hungry only overwhelmed again not only because it is a lot of information but also because once again I realized that this is for life and it is not going away just because I ignore it. I like that at the end we pray and that the instructor's voice feels that he is talking straight to me and then I know God is with me, I can feel it.  After the session I called Alex and asked her how she was doing, she was very short on her answer, I told her that if she ever feel sick or bad just to call me. I reinforced how much I love her and that I was here for there.

Adding a new word to my vocabulary: shortcoming

 

short·com·ing Noun:  a failure, defect, or deficiency in conduct, condition, thought, ability, etc

Today was a rainy day and there was not a chance for a bike ride and I decided to go to the Saturday Al-anon meeting. Today's reading was about tolerating others and recognizing our own shortcomings; when it was my turn to talk I looked at them with a dumb face and said that I didn't understand the word "shortcoming". A couple of of members mumbled some definitions but since my first language is not English, I still had a problem visualizing the meaning in my head and I passed. The young lady sitting next to me was very open and honest to express how she felt about her lack of tolerance to others, most of them talked about being critical or judging others but in my case I am passed that. I used to think that mental illness, drugs and alcohol happened only to other people, maybe ignorant or immoral... not to me, not to my family, now I only feel a deep sympathy for people struggling with any of these terrible situations and I hope others can show some compassion to my daughter and my family. After everybody talked I raised my hand and said I wanted to add something else... oh boy... the word had a meaning now and I knew what my biggest "shortcoming" was: fear. Because of the terrible things that had happened to me and the girls during the last years since my divorce, I grew a fear to the uncertain that it's been getting worse during the last year when Alex went for the first time to the hospital. The fear that cripples and paralyzes you, the fear of getting the expected unexpected call during the night telling you that something terrible has happened, the fear of getting hit by a car during my bike ride, my mind playing tricks telling me that God will punish me, my imagination telling me that the big black bird showed up that morning bringing bad news... I ended up saying that after coming to the meetings I realize that it is on me, I am the one that suffers for something that hasn't happened and might never do. Today I will seek to correct my biggest shortcoming: fear.

Back to square one?

Last Monday I was looking forward to go to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support group and even thou it's been raining and I don't like driving on the rain  I made it :) I figured I need to learn more and the last time (and only) that I went to this kind of meeting I couldn't deal with it, it was too overwhelming for me because I realized that that time that the brain disorders are a life journey, yeah it is for life. I sat down in the back (of course) and a smiley guy put a huge book in front of me, he asked for my name and wrote it down on a card that he placed in the table right in front of me; hmm very interesting I thought; an older lady told me that we were going to talk about the brain and then it hit me, I ended up going to the family to family education program... Oh God. Was it the wrong place at the wrong time or the right place at the right time? Everybody seem to be eager and happy to be there, so I stayed. Oh the bliss of ignorance. A young lady sat next to me and introduced herself, she inquired about my loved one with the brain disorder and I was very short. She said that her mom attempted 2 times and had severe depression and dad was drinking himself to death to void the situation. The class started, everybody read part of the book, the instructor went over each part and talked about specific cases and situations. He explained the parts of the brain and how they work, he also said that alcohol and drugs destroy the cells. Several times he expressed the importance of taking care of your brain with diet, exercise and of course staying away from drugs and alcohol. The lady next to me said that this guy's 21 year old son had been about 30 times in the hospital...  so the 1 hour meeting turned into a two and a half hour training. I noticed that I was massaging my hands and that I got the chest pain again, oh boy it's anxiety. I wanted to go home and I was very hungry, my brain was wondering. At 9 pm it stopped... everybody got up and started to mingle with their smiley faces. I headed to the door quickly, the young lady was walking right behind me: "I'm not following you I'm walking to my car" I tried to smile and say something but my voice broke "I don't think I'm prepared for this yet" I said. She told me to give it another chance, that it helps. I said good night and got inside my car and cried but it was more like a scream. On my way home I had a chance to think better, I'm going back next week.

I don't want to wait

I have the perception that we are always waiting for something to be truly happy... a new car, a new job, a new house or even a new love. I refuse to. I don't want to wait, I want to be happy now, RIGHT NOW.  It is amazing how ourselves sabotage our own happiness by desiring more and more. What happened to "count your blessings"?? Just look back and see where you came from? I am so bless to come from humble meanings because that always had helped me to put things into perspective. I don't want to wait until my big break comes to be happy. I just humbly ask God to let me enjoy this moment and to give me the strength whenever I need it. These last days I can tell something is going on with Alex, it's just a matter of time before I get that call, but I can't live with the fear falling me around like a shadow. I got her a Valentine's card that says we love her and we are praying for her. I've heard she is hanging with a younger kid and I've seen her posting on facebook at 3 or 4 am and her postings are odd. I pray God for serenity and strength. I know that I need to stay calm and keep moving. I was talking to banana the other day and I always try to tell her what a great kid she is and that appreciate everything she does ending always with a "I love you mija". I was almost tempted to tell her that Pepe (one of our dogs, her favorite) had a seizure during the week, I didn't because she is having her tests last week and I can tell she is stressed out, I just don't want to make it worse. I really hope she is not waiting for something else to come her way to be happy. I want her to laugh her heart out every opportunity that she has... like me... don't wait for anything that might never get here... just be happy with what you have right now, this single moment, one day at the time.

The Secret of Happiness

I had a great weekend, it was awesome. On Sunday the only thing that I did was to ride my bike... nothing else. It was cold and windy but that didn't matter. We started at 8:30 am and we were done after 4 pm. I was nervous at the beginning, I always get nervous; even before leaving the house I told Jeff where my car keys were and that I was parking my car at the bike shop. The cold wind slapped my face during the first few miles, my heart was racing, we had a tailwind going south and it was a blast. I met a chick from Brazil and a guy who went to the same college than my daughters 25 years ago. We ate spaghetti in our 30 mile rest stop. I was laughing and chatting and oh man I like to chat!. More than half the group had a ride back and only a handful headed back to the shop. Now the wind was in our face and it was cold :) I almost wanted to quit at mile 45 but I didn't, I was having a great time... once again lots of laughs. I wanted to quit again at mile 50 so I thought maybe Jeff can come up and pick me up but I was really having a good time... I just kept pedaling and laughing. I lived for that moment. Yeah, that was the secret, I LIVED for that moment. When I was in mile 57 I though I would be a fool to quit at that point, I can make it... I know I can. My heart was racing but also smiling because I've made it all the way back and not only that, I lived for that moment. I didn't think about the miserable year I had during 2011 or what I was going to do if Alex has a relapse tomorrow or the next month. I just enjoyed my ride like it was going to be the last thing I was going to do ever again; so there... now you know what is the secret of happiness.

My 3rd Al-Anon meeting

Finally, I made it to another meeting but this time something was different. I felt relieved and happy when it was over. The topic was "Reaching out". The common factor seems to be that every one of us try to be strong, fix things ourselves and go thru the days keeping and holding everything inside. We don't want to bother anybody, we don't want to be weak. A guy explained that when he gets a chance to help he is helping himself. A lady said to me that she will call me, an older lady told me about her daughter and her tribulations but also said that she is a happier person now and gets to go dancing, exercises and does all kind of stuff. I liked her :) A man suffers deeply because his daughter is also caught up in alcoholism, he smiled at me while he was saying how hard it is to detach but he also mentioned that he has to think about the rest of his family, he said that his daughter is now battling bulimia and that she made sure to let him know that it is because when she was little he told her "do not eat all that cake or you'll get fat",  talk about a guilt trip. When I hear these situations the message that I receive is that we all are in this together and there is hope at least for us and we are only responsible for ourselves. I received more than six hugs and sometimes that's the only thing I need. Something relevant is that two ladies asked me for banana and if she was doing ok back in college. Oh, it's amazing how everybody likes my daughter, she is such sweet, compassionate smart little lady, I thank God for her everyday.
Alex finally send me her bank statement because she needs money for her graduation ring, of course there are a ton of unnecessary  expenses and even a purchase on a liquor store. I sent the money to help her out but not what she was asking. I let her know that if she was going to need my financial help she was going to have to be accountable or I won't be able to help her any longer but I ended my note with a "we love you and we are praying for you". Jeff was very disappointed ...and the thought that he is giving up on Alex and even me is lingering in the back of my mind.
 I spoke to my mom and sister and told them I can't make it to the ceremony to take dad's ashes, a couple of things happened that tell me that right now is just a time to be still and wait.